I hate your baby!

Kim Kardashian is allegedly livid after discovering that one of her exes has fathered a child, according to the Examiner. Hardly big news, that’s true, but it does touch on a certain issue: If you’re hoping to have a baby one day, or trying to conceive, it’s hard not to feel that selfish “how come SHE gets to have a baby?” feeling when you see someone else who is pregnant.

When the vacant nursery becomes a storeroom

That’s part of what it feels like to be TTC: making the mistake of walking around a shopping mall, or going to church or the local park and wondering if perhaps every woman in the place is Heavy with Child. Except you. Just the sight of a pram can get the tears flowing.

What about the women who have struggled for years to fall pregnant? Whose families have repeatedly asked them when it’s going to happen, women who have had to suck it up and attend their younger sister’s or cousin’s baby showers, smiling through gritted teeth that, of course, they’d LOVE to be the new baby’s godparent.

You could be the optimistic single woman, still hoping for The One, but watching all of your old school friends on Facebook popping out kids either by surprise or on purpose can wear away at your long-term dreams of a family. There’s that insidious biological clock, ticking, even as you click on the “hide baby-making person’s status updates” button.

What can be done?

Unfortunately, there will always be pregnant women around, so, unless you’re keen on being a hermit, you may have to just carry on. There are women who have isolated themselves from family and friends at a time when they need their support, so this isn’t always the best choice.

Rather than have some humiliating meltdown at a family gathering or with friends, you could try calmly chatting about what you’re going through, and hope that they’ll try to be sensitive around you, but it’s more likely that they’ll carry on enjoying their baby bumps and their newborn photos.

Another strategy is to get very involved with them, and be as supportive as you can of their babies, sucking up those “self-involved” emotions.

You could join an online community of TTC people, a group which will understand your feelings, and not judge you for venting or ranting. A place where fears and possibilities can be deeper explored.

That’s just one of the challenges of TTC: Do you tell everyone and risk exposing your vulnerable emotions or making them worry about how to act around you, or do you internalise, suppress and deny those feelings?

Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on Parent24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of Parent24.

How do you cope with seeing your friends and family falling pregnant before you?

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charlie.vanbergen 2012-10-12 11:31:11 AM
Very hard - I chose not to attend any baby showers. And I was honest about it - when ever I received an invitation, I'd simply say "I'd love to attend, but I find baby showers upsets me too much since I can't have children. I'm sure you understand...?" Be honest about your infertility, that way people respect your feelings and it makes it easier in the long run. But don't begrudge your friends their happiness and don't get angry when friends say something that hurts you (like "breast feeding your baby is just the most amazing experience...") since they don't mean to hurt and you don't want them tip-toeing around you, do you? To all those for whom the clock is ticking and nothing happens; it does get better with time. And everything in life has got pros and cons - having children too.
Danielle Toerien Santo 2013-03-28 04:11:07 PM
I'm going through IVF at the moment and even though I'm not hurt by my friends and family having babies, I still avoid the "get togethers". Yes it's hard seeing it, but the worst part is asking me every time when you see me, when I'm having a baby and "we can't wait for you to have a baby". I've been very open about our infertility, but I have not told family that we've already started, because then they will call me every day asking 20 000 questions. When you do to a family function, you need to be prepared to answer every possible question there is about falling pregnant and having a baby! That's why I'm avoiding baby showers too! I understand fully what you're saying Charlie, people need to also understand that you DON'T want to explain yourself and the fact that you have a 4month pregnant belly, but no baby yet! ;)