Bavaria, Budweiser, whatever... All the Fifa rules and regulations about what you’re allowed to think or drink were so confusing for one supporter who had so much difficulty remembering the name of his favourite beer that he ended up ordering an Alzheimer Lite.
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF... THE ENGLAND TEAM went to visit an orphanage while in South Africa for the Soccer World Cup. “It’s good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible,” said Sipho Dlamini, aged six.
PONDERISMS I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned most people die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days nobody talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the Sixties people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a braai?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say: “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
PUN MY WORD A VULTURE BOARDS an aircraft carrying two dead dassies. The stewardess looks at him and says: “I’m sorry, sir – only one carry-on allowed per passenger.”
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says: “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says: “Are you sure?”
The first replies: “Yes, I’m positive.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during root canal surgery? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager comes out of his office and asks them to disperse.
“But why?” they ask as they move off.
“Because,” the manager says, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal”. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds: “They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. That made him (Oh, this is so bad it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent 10 different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Finance Week
