RED ALERTS…
IN LIGHT OF CHANGES in the world, countries are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have consequently raised their security levels. The English have raised theirs from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. But security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A bit cross”. The English haven’t been “A bit cross” since the blitz in 1940, when supplies of tea all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “Bloody nuisance”. The last time the English issued a “Bloody nuisance” warning was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.
Scotland raised its threat level from “Pissed off” to “Let’s get the bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. That’s the reason they’ve been used on the front line of the British army for the past 300 years.
The French announced it raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and ‘Surrender’. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing its military capability.
Italy has increased its alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to ‘Elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides”.
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful arrogance” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they’re worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited about their new submarines. These beautifully designed boats have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Meanwhile, the United States as usual is carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all its allies. Just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels from “Baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks (its air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is: “S**t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us.”
Australia has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. To date no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
IN 1923, WHO WAS?
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Biggest wheat speculator?
5. The “Great Bear” of Wall Street?
The men listed were considered some of the world’s most successful of their day.
Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them. The answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company – Charles Schwab – died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company – Edward Hopson – went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE – Richard Whitney – was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator – Arthur Cooger – died overseas, penniless.
5. The “Great Bear” of Wall Street – Cosabee Livermore – committed suicide.
However, in that same year the PGA Champion and winner of the most important golf tournament – the US Open – was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral? Forget work, play golf.
Finance Week
