RETIREMENT PLANNING
IF YOU’D BOUGHT R1 000 of Nortel stock one year ago it would now be worth R49.
With Enron, you would’ve had R16,50 left of your original R1 000.
With WorldCom you’d have been left with less than R5.
If you’d bought R1 000 of Delta Air Lines stock you’d have R49 left.
However, if you’d bought wine worth R1 000 one year ago, drunk all the wine then turned in the bottles for their recycling refund you would’ve received R214.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
WHITE COLLAR CRIME
PIKER IS SENT MANY invitations to seminars but a recent one to a “summit” to hear experts advise on “money laundering red flags and anti-fraud forensic auditing” and “breaching the walls of false integrity surrounding white collar criminals” over two days at an up-market Johannesburg hotel, including tea breaks and lunches, seemed to be somewhat different. It added: “This summit is positioned to be the catalyst for transformation and change in the financial crime prevention space.”
All very noble. Until the cost: R7 999 per delegate, excluding VAT, of course. What was that about white collar crime?
WAYLAID…
THERE’S AN OLD Irish couple, Mary and Mick. Mary walks into the living room where Mick is and says: “Mick, I’m so proud of you, so proud. Last month I said you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven’t gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for you: I want to make you a special dinner – special indeed.”
Mick replies: “Oh Mary, you don’t have to do that. Don’t trouble yourself.”
“No, it’s no trouble,” Mary insisted. “In fact, when we were on holiday last year you really enjoyed those escargot. You go to the grocers and get them snails and I’ll make them up for you.”
Mick gets excited. “Oh, that would be wonderful. OK. I’ll go right away.” So Mick goes off to the grocers to get the snails but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling: “Hey, Mick. Where have you been, man? Come on in and let me buy you a pint.”
Mick refuses. “No, no, no, no. I’ve got to get to the grocers…”
The bar keeps shouting – everyone wants to buy him a drink. But Mick makes it to the grocers and buys the snails. But on his way back home he has to again pass the pub. The locals start once more. They beg and beg and Mick finally succumbs.
It’s 11 when Mick looks at his watch and he’s had more than a few. Oh, no. I’ve got to go!” Mick starts running home, gets to his gate, flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere.
Mary hears the ruckus and comes out and yells: “Mick, it’s after 11 o’clock! What took you so long? Where have you been?”
Mick looks up at Mary, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims: “Come on, Boys. Keep it going! We’re almost there.”
PROOFREADING IS A DYING ART
Some examples from various newspapers worldwide…
* “Man kills self before shooting wife and daughter”
* “‘Something went wrong in jet crash,’ expert says”
* “Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers”
* “Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over”
* “Miners refuse to work after death”
* “Juvenile court to try shooting defendant”
* “War dims hope for peace”
* If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while”
* “Cold wave linked to temperatures”
* “Red tape holds up new bridges.”
Finance Week
