Consumer Report

I grew up at a time when real men smelled of sweat, strong tobacco, and even stronger whiskey – a time when real men smelled of testosterone and male pheromones. They smelled like hell.

Real women smelled of heady perfumes, freshly baked bread, flowery fragrances, washing powder, and scented soaps. They smelled like heaven.

Real babies smelled like real babies. Well, most of the time. Sometimes, they smelled like sheet and sour milk.

The smells of heaven, and hell, and sheet, and sour milk – the primeval smells of the human race.

And it worked out quite well. Even in the dark – because of the person’s smell – you wouldn’t accidently try to grope someone of the “wrong” gender or age.

Aaah, the good old days…

Nowadays everything is PC. We live in a sexless, genderless, lessless, ageless, faceless, and godless society. Some men smell sexier than their wives and/or girlfriends and/or mistresses. And some modern-day women smell like the men of yesteryear – all testosterony, male pheromony, sweaty, strong tobaccohee, and even stronger whiskeyhee.

Even our babyhees are PC. Nowadays babies smell like vanilla, or coconut, or lavender, or strawberry. In other words: they smell like plants.

Lastly, there are those who have emerged from the closet, smelling like, well like a closet. But let’s not go there right now.

It would seem as if we are hell-bent on smelling like plants and fruit – trying our best to disguise our natural body odours. (What was her name again, Sakkie? That dirty woman? Maureen something-or-the-other?)

With this in mind, I’ve decided to do a consumer report on a couple of deodorants (for men) I found on the shelves at the shops: Mitchum’s Advanced Control, and Yardley’s You’re the Fire.

1. Mitchum

Alcohol Free, 48 hour Strength and Protection. Fresh.

Claims: Dermatologically Tested with Skin Conditioning Aloe & Vitamin E. Clinically tested to provide 48 hour wetness protection.

Test Results and Conclusions:

Initially I was quite confused. I couldn’t decide where on my old wrinkled body I should spray the deodorant aerosol. The last time I used anything containing “Aloe & Vitamin E,” was when I used Baby Soft Toilet Paper, which also contains these ingredients. So, to spare myself the embarrassment of spraying the wrong body part, I simply sprayed the stuff all over my entire body.

I then got under the shower, and opened the taps to max.

It immediately became clear the manufacturers of this product were less than truthful. They claim that the deodorant is “clinically tested to provide 48 hour wetness protection.”

Not so! I was completely soaked to the skin within seconds. Fail!

This product is indeed alcohol free. I emptied four canisters into a glass, added ice and water, and swallowed it in one go. Got in my car, drove around the block twice, and parked it back in the garage, without causing a serious accident. Pass!

Overall Impression:

Not a bad product. One Fail, and one Pass. Tip: remember to get undressed before getting under the shower.

2. Yardley

Before doing the actual testing and evaluation of this product, I chanced to see a list of the Ingredients, written on the container:

Alcohol Denat, Butane, Propane, Propylene Glycol, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone, Benzyl Benzoate, Cinnamyl Alcohol, Citral, Coumarin, Hydroxycitronellal, Limonene, Linalool, Evernia Furfuracea (Tree moss) Extract.

Now I don’t know about you, but this sounds like the shopping list of one of those crazy jihad towelheads who wants to go to the land of the 72 virgins.

There is just no way that I’m going to spray a Weapon of Mass Destruction on my body.

I’m much too young to die. Besides, I like smelling like hell.

Overall Impression:

Naah. Give it a miss.



Any similarity between me and that racist, homophobic bigot Irukandji, is purely coincidental. Scout’s honour…

Satis Dictum 2014/08/11 02:58:13 PM
Sir Iru, I like your new Avatar. Good looking for your age. You are so right. I grew up on Lifebouy. Big red block. It was my soap, shampoo and deodorant. That was until I went to the navy and many of the other okes were using roll-ons. Bunch of sissies. Then I put on weight and started sweating so now I smell only of Tabak.
Colleen 2014/08/11 03:07:10 PM
Siriru Kandji A knight in shining armour! At last a real hero who knows how to smell good and entertain at the same time. Yay!! :)
Rammsteen 2014/08/11 03:18:37 PM
Thank you for lifting the Monday mood, Siriru. I do have to say, you're a tad more handsome than that other knight in shining armour - who was that guy with the red or blackbeard? Anyway, I was just about to draw parallels between your style of consuming these toiletries and that other old fart I used to know, but you made it clear in the end - a Scout's honour is not to be sniffed at.
David Allcock 2014/08/11 04:28:20 PM
well my wife bought me this tin of deo yellow tin....i did not have glasses on so couldnt quite read the name but it was gloom or zoom or something...i bit of an odd name for a deo imo....i did not read the ingredients cos i struggle to read that even with my specs on.....anyway i sprayed this stuff all over my body was rather weird and most unpleasant......and i think i heard god speaking to me....i dont recommend this deo....
Hennie de Ruyter 2014/08/11 04:51:19 PM
You did it wrong. You should have permed and coloured your hair, had a facial and shaved your legs. A lot of men do that nowadays.
Nathi Nasir Abdul 2014/08/11 06:37:52 PM
You can be funny when it suits you, you racist old fart. You made my Monday hahahahahahaha
CyberMatix 2014/08/11 10:16:03 PM
I think that these consumer products should be more clearly labelled. Not too long ago I was very late for an early morning meeting. I grabbed the Doom instead of the Shield underarm deodorant. I then experienced the full impact of what a fly or mosquito experience in their death throes.
No Ohno 2014/08/12 08:15:06 AM
> Nowadays everything is PC. Just a question, what is PC, last time I checked it is Personal Computer.