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Have you ever been tempted by the Darkside? Have you fought back courageously; only to lose your confrontation with the Dark Forces? I have. This is my *tail.
Just like the statue of old Cecil John Rhodes, who must surely succumb to the Dark Forces (or duck fosses, in the vernacular), I have been under constant threat from the Darkside.
Although I have to admit that in my case, the duck fosses haven’t yet started flinging poo or urine in my direction.
But that’s neither here nor there. The fact is that I have been relentlessly attacked by evil forces from another dimension.
Now, before you religious freaks, atheists, vegans, pagans, bacons, and other screwballs start praying and cursing me, I want you to walk 1.6 km in my shoes. Blisters have a way of giving a person insight into someone else’s “challenges.”
It all started about a year ago, when I read an article in a medical journal. Researchers have discovered that by eating half a slab of dark chocolate daily, the risk of having a heart attack is reduced by as much as fifty percent.
Now you know me, Sakkie. I don’t believe in half measures. I immediately started eating a whole slab of dark chocolate every day – reducing the risk of a heart attack by a hundred percent.
It seems as if the chocolate researchers knew what they were talking about. I haven’t had a single heart attack in the past year.
But then the heinous Dark Forces (DF) attacked again!
Last Friday, in a moment of weakness, I repaired a neighbour’s stove; little knowing that she was an agent of the DF. The next day she had a Dark Chocolate Cake delivered to my home. It was camouflaged with cream, fresh raspberries, and chocolate flakes.
I tried to resist, but to no avail. The cake lifter is mightier than my resolve. The Dark Forces forced four slices of Dark Chocolate Cake down my esophagus before I managed to gain the upper hand. But the damage was done. I was short of breath for almost an hour, and sweating (I don’t perspire) like a pig.
That night I lay awake, staring at the ceiling – contemplating whether I should commit suicide, or start praying. In the end, I fell asleep without doing either; and making a fool of myself.
But it didn’t end there.
A friend of mine has just returned from a trip to New York. As a present to me, he brought back a bag of coffee. The bloody fiend! Up until then, I never realised he was a DF agent as well!
The coffee comes in a 16 ounce black bag with skull and crossbones markings: Death Wish Coffee, The World’s Strongest Coffee, Whole Dark Beans, 200% more caffeine than typical coffee.
I ground some of the beans and brewed up the coffee in my old fashioned cowboy-type percolator.
Moments after I poured the Death Wish Coffee into a mug, the DF struck again!
I was attacked by the three remaining slices of the Dark Chocolate Cake. I was forced to wash the cake down with another mug of Death Wish Coffee. I struggled to breathe, my heart was racing, and I was again sweating like a pig.
And then Dark Forces took over completely. My lights went out…
For a second or two I was disorientated and nearly started praying, but then common sense took over and I realised that it was nothing serious: just Eskom klapping us with another one of their Staged Blackouts.
Now, here’s a question:
Could Eskom’s Megawatt Park Head Office be the headquarters of the Dark Forces?
Who knows?
*tail – Yes, I know, I know.
