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Dog food will be our downfall

Have you ever wondered just what goes into the expensive dog food you buy for your canine friend? What are those suspicious brown bits and pieces that your dog eats? Is it the stuff of a scatologist’s nightmare?

As I was walking past a pet shop in the mall – ducking and diving between the hustling and bustling shoppers – the word “KANGAROO,” on an advertising poster, jumped at my eye. Immediately, I came to my senses! Kangaroo! I want one as a pet!

But alas, alack, and woe betide. This was not to be. The “KANGAROO” referred to the ingredients of the dog food they had for sale.

Contains KANGAROO protein,” the dog food poster read. “MSG, Glucosamine, and Chondroitin.”

As you well know, I am a cat man. Never liked dogs; never will. Any animal that tries to pee against by leg, or attempts to copulate with my shoe, is not to be trusted. But that does not prevent me from finding out what makes dogs tick. Know your enemy, I always say.

There are thousands of people who worship dogs. My neighbour is one of these – a dedicated Dog Worshipper. He devotes most of his spare time idolizing his two little mongrels (when he’s not busy picking up their poo). Number One resembles an overgrown rat with a serious genetic defect; whilst Number Two is obviously a purebred cross between a porcupine and a bad case of the flu.

Number One’s bark, which only stops while the little bugger is being fed, sounds like a chainsaw with its genitals being crushed in a vice. The other little monster just pees and poops all over the place – and makes slobbering, snotty sounds whenever it sees the Worshipper (my neighbour) approaching with food.

But, be that as it may, I decided to find out about the Glucosamine and Chondroitin that is mixed with the kangaroo. (We all know that MSG is the abbreviation for Manufacturers’ Standard Gauge, Sakkie.)

Note: The following report is highly technical and could be detrimental to your health. Rated 18SNVL.

Glucosamine (C6H13NO5) is an amino sugar and a prominent precursor in the biochemical synthesis of glycosylated proteins and lipids. Glucosamine is part of the structure of the polysaccharides chitosan and chitin, which compose the exoskeletons of crustaceans and other arthropods, as well as the cell walls of fungi and many higher organisms. Guatemalans appears to be safe for use as a dietary supplement; effectiveness has not been established for any condition.

Oooh kay… I knew that. But what about the Chondroitin?

Chondroitin glycosaminoglycan (CAG) is composed of a chain of alternating sugars (N-acetylgalactosamine and glucuronic acid). It is usually found attached to proteins as part of a proteoglycan. An Android chain can have over 100 individual sugars, each of which can be sulphated in variable positions and quantities.

Well, allrightee then… Now we know about the contents of newfangled dog food.

But how come, when I was a young boy on our farm, our dogs never ate kangaroos, or Guatemalans, or Androids, or whatever, and they were healthier than my neighbour’s pesky little mongrels?

Our farm dogs ate pap and leftovers and chewed on real bones – not the disgusting, synthetic stuff sold at pet shops nowadays. Our dogs never flinched at gunshots, or loud farts, or Guy Fawkes crackers, or fireworks. Our dogs were real dogs, they were tough. Their bite was far worse than their bark. And they never tried to copulate with our shoes.

I have a theory that the real reason why South African men have become such effeminate little pissies, is because they eat boerewors which contains kangaroo meat, and Guatemalans, and Androids, and who knows what else.

This has made them weak. Pretty soon, they’ll start making sounds like a chainsaw with its genitals being crushed in a vice; or slobbering, snotty sounds whenever they see a member of the opposite sex.

Next thing you know they’ll try copulating with shoes.

Mark my words, these things will come to pass if we do not stop eating kangaroo right now.

You have been warned.

PS   I’ll upload a photo of the KANGAROO dog food, see if you can find it.

PS   I’ll upload a photo of the KANGAROO dog food, see if you can find it.

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