Down with these as well

Now that the statue of Rhodes is on its way to the hinterland, one would suppose that it will only be a matter of time before all the other symbols of colonialism are destroyed as well.

The Union Buildings, the House of Parliament, the Palace of Justice, van Riebeeck’s Castle, the Voortrekker Monument, Steve Hofmeyr, van Reenen’s Pass, BMW, Johnny Walker, Armani, the Castle of Good Hope, the Big Hole in Kimberley, Table Mountain, Hartbeespoortdam, and dozens more. They all have to go.

In the end, all that will be left standing here in the Ar-se of Africa (RSA), will be Nkandla, and thousands of squatter camps.

For much too long we have had the springbok as our national animal. Having changed the names of most towns, streets, and place names, the government should now consider culling the springbok. To some of our citizens, the springbok is like a left-over piece of biltong from the evil apartheid regime.

Like the Israelites of the Old Testament – who erased all signs of the existence of their enemies once they have conquered them – the ANC-government seems hell-bent on removing all symbols, names, systems, statues, statutes, and records of their white enemies who ruled this country before them. In the process they are also destroying the history which belongs to all of us – no matter how painful – but this does not seem to bother them at all.

The National Flag, National Anthem, and Coat of Arms were all changed with the usual murmurs and discord; but, except for the fact that no one is able pronounce the motto on the Coat of Arms: “!ke e:/xarra//ke,” the changes did not lead to civil war or major unrest, as predicted by some.

By the way, the proper Khoisan pronunciation of !ke e:/xarra//ke, is:

“exclamation mark kay ee ee colon front slash xarra front slash front slash kay ee.” (Tip: remember to click your tongue when slashing to the front.)

Note: There is still some dispute over the meaning of “!ke e:/xarra//ke.” Some researchers seem to think that it was written by a member of the Khoisan who had set Wingdings as the Font on his computer. Anthropologists, however, postulate that it originates from an ancient e-mail address that was found, carved on the wall of a cave, in the Kalahari.

Be that as it may, the government maintains that the language belongs to the /Xam people and that it is supposed to mean: “Unity is unity, and diversity is diversity, and never the twain shall meet” – or some such gobbledygook.

Now, as to our current national animal, Antidorcas marsupialis; also known as the common springbok to the uneducated peasants. Ask yourself: Which animal should replace this outdated little bokkie? Why, Equus mulus, of course! The Mule!

Most South Africans already seem to love mules. This is based on the amount of compassion, sympathy, and condolences from the general public, whenever one of our poor, innocent little mules are detained, arrested, or executed by those bloody heartless foreigners who do not want to accept our bribes.

Also, it is a fact that a mule is a politically correct animal – having different characteristics to those of its parents.

A mule does not sound like a donkey or a horse. Instead, a mule makes a sound that is similar to a donkey; but also has the whinnying characteristics of a horse. It often starts with a whinny and ends in a hee-haw – much like Number One’s: Heh! Heh! Heh!

Our mules are already working all over the world (China, Thailand, Mozambique, Nigeria, Malaysia, Brazil, Norway, etc, etc.), and are widely renowned for their greed, slyness, and innovative ideas. Some mules keep their handbags tightly closed; claiming diplomatic immunity and refuse to be searched; while others, when caught, refuse divulge the names of their hairdressers.

Speaking of dreadlocks:

Cannabis sativa has long been our unofficial national plant. Dagga has become the weed of choice for many South Africans, who proudly display pictures of their favourite smoke (the green, five-leaved sticker), next to the national flag on their cars, T-shirts, and baseball caps.

At soccer matches the spectators sometimes complain that they find it difficult, if not impossible, to watch the game because of heavy marijuana smoke drifting low over the pitch. But at least they all leave the game smiling, even when Bafana lose – as usual.

While we’re at it, maybe we should also change the national anthem again. Nkosi has been sukkeling with Africa long enough. How about the old Tennessee Ernie Ford song: “Mule Train.” Sort of rhymes nicely with the Gautrain, don’t you think?

Or maybe the Toby Keith song, dedicated to that other Nelson (the one who isn’t a Saint): “I’ll Never Smoke Weed with Willie Again.”