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We stand here on the second Monday of January 2015, it is 04:50 AM in a 60 deep queue waiting entry. This is New Year’s resolutions at it very worst.
Remember always, the probability of someone watching us is proportional to the stupidity of our action!
Eventually we cleared the system to be eagerly awaited by Personal Trainers. Ladies who just stepped off the front page of Cosmopolitan. All twenty of them in our gym vow to slim you down, tone your body, work on you image. None do blood pressure, cholesterol or general fitness as they have much more important stuff to do, they make us beautiful!
Lots learnt over third years of running and gymming. Great work by Dr Tim on running. That was long before he became a best seller while angrifying his colleagues on how to easily slim down. Also the wise Dr Ian, a neurosurgeon, on the triangles model and the impact of exercising on our minds.
Back to the scared hallways of our gym ... it is scary when we think that good health is the slowest way to die!
Each newbie receives a mole skinned notebook with complicated instructions to be religiously followed en-route to physical adoration. Their motto: if we cannot convince them, well then confuse them!
Two weeks later, all back to normal, 85% of the newbies gone and the gym wrings their hands in delight after pocketed a full year’s subscription and no need to clean up anymore.
We do find the odd one returning, once a month, expensively dressed in Nike's or Adidas, to clock in, do nothing just to leave while earning points in that greatest invention of the millennium: Reward cards! Now follow me to the spinning room. Loud active types cycling away under influence of loud rock music led by a pedaling screaming role model. Next door in the studio some 100 beauties, dressed to kill, lipstick and eye shadow carefully applied, hair done and blow dried in the wee hours of the morning, dancing away and kickboxing. The loners next door, “leave us alone we, we know what we do ...” typically on the running machines, iPods stuck in our ears while peering at the big screens. We will do anything to avoid any conversation. Then, the utmost of masculinity you can dream of, they park the Kawasaki on the yellow line on the paraplegic site, take the lift to the 1st floor. They wear their tattoos on their shoulders and sleeveless shirts to show it all. The come in twos, one doing the moaning and groaning, one the admiring. The forbidden word mulls in our minds as we wonder … steroids? And the rest of our society, “I have got a training cycle in my garage”, “we walk daily with the dogs”, “I spent R2500 annually on gym fees”, “I belong to our golf club here in our estate.” Other myths are tennis where they stand for 80% of the time. Cricket even worse and rugby it is only the scrumhalf and the referee that performs any continuous movement. Golf? Riding in circles in an electric cart and then call it a sport! Spending money and having expensive gear does not make you fit ... it is like standing in your garage will never turn you into a car! So ... dear ladies and gentlemen, what is the secret? Visit that holy establishment four times a week, summer and even winter, push your heartbeat up to about 140 a minute. Push those irons without anybody admiring. Spin away if you love noise or kick box if you need some revenge. Bad news: exercise does not slim you down, it does the opposite. Mumblings of “burning your kilos” is rubbish. When peering onto the scale, remember the rule of three: Three things should seldom enter your mouth: A knife, a fork and especially not a spoon! Remember your weight in kilograms divided by your length in meters and divided again by your length to be less than 25. The grand word for it is your Body Mass Index. Example, you are 2 meters tall and weighs 100 kg. So your BMI = 100/(2*2) = 25 If you are a tall dark and handsome type loving noisy people around you, cycling is the thing to do. Also soft on the knees and the lower back. But be warned that the bill can be horrendous with a Bianci weighing in at more than R60 000. On top of it, it is the greatest fashion show on the planet and dressing up for it can be another R15k. Those shorty, skinny and introverty types, go for the 10 km or the half marathon. Do it weekly and run four times a week 5-8 kms to prepare yourself. Great exercise is some sort of aerobics (run, cycle, spin, box …), 20-40 minutes non-stop four times a week pushing up the heartbeat up to 120-140 beats. Followed by some hard work with weights. It is great antidote for osteoporosis and to move stuff back at home. Then stretch and count slowly while deeply inhaling. Of all the smaller sins, sucking the weed is the worst. It destroys a vast bit of the oxygen going to your brain and has cancers associated with it. It is perhaps the stupidest thing to do. Luckily it is minimised to a handful these days. Avoid like the plague! On the other hand some 200 ml of good cabernet daily or any other red cultivar will boost your good cholesterol and protect you against heart attacks. Sadly it only applies to red wine as good rye whisky or ten year old brandy does not count. Drink in moderation and enjoy! Avoid macho events like the Cape Epic or that unthinkable Comrades. Even the marathon is a bit much and can have a negative impact. The Argus and friends? Ok, but just once a year, promise me! The dark side of these ultra activities can be depression, heart damage and worst of all an inflated ego … Do it right and you will half the aging process and start loving life again. We do not exercise for our bodies; we do it for our minds. It is the first barrier against depression, the first light at the end of the tunnel for a better self-image, the kick of creativity as none other and the boost to a new life. Just do it!!
