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How I Met Your Mother

I only miss you when I’m bored & not occupied. Because when I’m with the company of much company, you don’t even cross my mind. Maybe I don’t necessarily need you but just need a female companion in my life. Someone to share this life with. It’s boring being alone in life. But now, how am I going to survive this one? Apparently, for other people to enjoy your company, you yourself have to enjoy yours. But looking at it – it’s not really about me enjoying my company but enjoying it to a certain extent. I just need a beautiful & intelligent woman by my side, because I’ve realised that that somehow fulfils me. Apart from sex & other interactions, I just like having fun  – sharing crazy experiences & stories & just laughing all the time. That’s how I think I personally learn to love a person – if I spend a lot of time & have a lot of fun with them. I like women who are free – love talking & expressing themselves well. As long as she communicates with me, we’re good. I’m not much of a talker – I just prefer to listen. So when I get a woman who is my opposite, it feels like ultimate attraction. I just fall in. You know, with us men – we are very simple – if or when a woman treats you well & shows you respect, it becomes easy to open up to her. Love is comfort of the heart. You learn to love a person. Love at first sight ends only ends up in bed, where the man leaves his feelings in the contraceptive sheath.
 
My relationship with this woman started like that – with sex. We just used to talk as normal people. I wasn’t even attracted to her. I didn’t even realise how beautiful she was, until we started dating & seeing each other on that. That’s scarce love. Well, to me it is…or was? This is the story;
 
We were chatting & playing around – I asked her to pay me a visit. I was just joking & playing around, and I believe she was too. We set a date for when she was going to come. The day came – I was feeling very skeptical about her really showing up, nevertheless still raised it & she confirmed that she was really coming. But guess what? She was going to use the train as her mode of transport because she did not know how to get to my house using cabs. I was shocked because, I too, at this age – I don’t know how to get to places using the train as my transport medium. When the day came for her to finally come, I could not get hold of her to confirm the time she’d be leaving her house. My level of skepticism began to increase – I did not believe she was going to be coming anymore. I don’t know whether it was fate or luck (when opportunity meets preparedness), but she contacted me to tell me she was on her way, she just had a problem with her phone. Okay, my mood altered from pessimism to optimism as I anticipated her arrival. When she did – at the station, she called me to come fetch her. What could this be? What’s going to happen from here? I took a cab from my house to the station & found her waiting for me. Good shot! She’s here! One problem solved. We took a cab together & headed back to my house. When we got there, I couldn’t find the keys to my room. My cousin had left with them. Damn it! Did I bring this woman all the way here for this? This is inconvenience. I didn’t know what to do or what to think, or how to even feel, for that matter. Together we waited in anticipation for my cousin to return with my room keys. By some luck again, after 10 minutes or so, my cousin showed up …WITH MY KEYS. Another problem solved!
 
Things were just piecing very good at that point, regardless of the hurdles. Okay, so we entered my room, chilled, talked, laughed, watched TV & just basically hung out. Now, something from a movie scene took shape – I just kissed her. She kissed back but again pulled back to quickly gather her thoughts. I’m not a pusher when it comes to women, so I respected her when that happened & put on a movie to distract us. That didn’t seem to work, because inevitably, we ended up kissing again, this time with passion & force, of which resulted in us having protected sex. It felt good to both of us. “Thank you. That was beautiful” were her words when we were done. It just kept getting better & better. Was it godsend? I don’t know. I’m only asking this now, anyway. We got dressed, chilled & talked a bit. We decided to go & chill with the people that were outside. There was a ceremony at my house & my cousin was with his friends. We went to chill with them for a while, until it was time for her to leave & head back to her house. Since we both had a good time, we decided to set another date for her to visit again, this time for a sleep over & spend the weekend.
 
When that took place, a sparked picked up between the two of us, and we decided to have an intimate relationship, because we had now somewhat fallen for each other. They say the good things that happen are those that do unexpectedly & unplanned. Do you believe in that? I think I do. I had a good feeling about this one, so I just attended my emotions. Eight months back I was from a very toxic relationship, so this time I wanted to analyze things properly. We kept giving in until feelings became mutual. We went to movies together, pubs, hung out & kept learning each other & enjoying each other’s company. I’ve never been so comfortable in a relationship before. I experienced a lot of fun & opened up to a lot of wonderful experiences. We drank liquor & occasionally smoked weed together. It was all in the name of fun & getting to know each other better. Everything just felt good. She was perfect, supportive et cetera. She even supported me with her presence, when my sister & grandfather had a burial simultaneously. It was like we were wine (her favourite?) – we just kept getting better with time.
 
Now here comes the low-blow. There will always be quarrels & misunderstandings in relationships. It’s what comes with the package, I guess. Going back & reminiscing, I remember our first argument or misunderstanding; we were together at a friend’s place, she asked me if I had ever introduced a girl to my parents before. Now, I’ve never formally introduced a girl, before to my parents, they would just see me with & just conclude. So, to her question, I just said ‘no’, but kept an open mind regarding the context of it, making sure I answered her correctly or to her expected satisfaction. In the book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”, it is said that men & women speak different languages. So she misunderstood me & thought I was lying, going on about how she hated lies & deceits. I failed to give her my ratiocination, based on how I interpreted & answered her question because she was fuming & her judgement was clouded. Well, we “resolved” that & continued our fun experience of learning each other. Arguments just kept coming & we just kept solving & resolving them. Thus far, reading all this, you can tell that I record & recall most things, and from what you’ve been reading, too, you can tell what we frequently got up to, together.
 
We went on for about 6 months, things going well. In January 2014 (I can’t remember the date. But I think it was on the 28th), she paid me a visit; we chilled, watched movies, drank liquor & smoked weed & just had fun as always. It was very nice (as always). We had protected sex & the condom came out in the middle of it. We never stopped but just kept going. In the morning, the first thing I did was to look for that sheath, but had no luck in finding it. Although I was uncomfortable, I left the matter because I didn’t want to get her worried. When she left, I looked for it again but still couldn’t find it. I moved the bed & checked underneath it – ransacked the whole room. I gave in & gave up looking further & retired for the day. It was a Sunday when she left my house. On Thursday we had a misunderstanding – a friend of mine who is a woman, earlier that month, had attempted committing suicide. I wanted to go pay her a visit, so I told my girlfriend about that. I was just building trust, but for some reason I must’ve spoken a different language to her, because she got angry & said there was no need to tell her that. She said it made it look like I was hiding something. I wanted to see this friend of mine because she had sent me something that you’d refer to as a suicide note, reading “Do you think God will forgive me? Thank you for being my friend. I just wanted to say goodbye.” In that sense with regards to that, I felt I owed her the visit after all this & what had happened. Her response to that was – her friend had committed suicide, too, but she didn’t feel she owed them anything. She claimed she didn’t understand me & how I thought sometimes. I mean, what did I do wrong? I was just looking out for a friend. This was just not going anywhere, so I decided there & then that I’m no longer going to see that friend, and told her that. In that minuscule space of the quarrel, she sent me a picture of a condom, with a message “Look what I found inside me”. I really didn’t know what to say. My first two reactions were anger & relief. Relieved, that we had found the condom that was worrying me, and at the same time angry – angry of our carelessness. “Argh, man, remember we were looking for that?” was my response. The response triggered another huge argument, because she had taken it out of context & in a combative manner. “This thing was stuck inside me for almost a week and all you have to say is ‘argh’?!” She was angry, so her judgement was clouded. I decided to let it go until she cooled off. She did, in her own space, but unfortunately, you know that women never forget. It seemed to have become a painful stigma for her to let go or forget about. My showing remorse & proving my remorsefulness didn’t seem to change anything.
 
I loved that woman. If she was unhappy, it made me unsteady, and this time also hurt that she did not want to accept my apology & admitting that my reasons for the response, though taken out of context, were not inconsiderate & unsupportive. What she did instead, was bring up all the “bad” things I had done to her ever since we started seeing each other. This made me feel like a guinea pig – made the relationship seem like an experiment, for her. I don’t know the reason. The relationship gradually faded into turmoil & she started distancing herself bit-by-bit. Okay, fine, I didn’t push on my side as well, instead decided to take & give her a breather, for her to properly gather her thoughts & emotions. We were communicating & seeing each other now & then but not like before, and fading effects of the relationship started to take phase. Communication decreased, we ceased calling & seeing each other, and at some point she refused to pay me a visit when I asked her to. What could be reason for this? Yes, the situation about the condom had turned to be a concrete stigma on the relationship.
 
They say the power a relationship lies in the one that cares less. Do you reckon I cared too much? But then again what was I to do? I loved & cared about her. When I asked her what was happening, because I thought we had resolved our issues, “that’s what you think” was her response. Apparently I had hurt her feelings by my response & reaction to the situation, and that made it look like everything was her fault. I took in her point that she was pushing across, and for the umpteenth time apologized for everything, trying to convince her that my response was brought by anger & our carelessness, not me trying to be insensitive towards her. Do you think that alleviated the matter? I wish! I respected her feelings & tried to understand & told myself that she had the right to feel the way she did. I was now stuck between a rock & a hard place, because I didn’t know what to do or say anymore. My ultimate decision was to give her space to think things through. It later became a unanimous decision & she added that she needed some time to regain “whatever” it is that she felt for me, and space would do her good.
 
Turns out that was the biggest mistake from my side, because that caused more distance. I gave it about two weeks, after that I contacted her to find out where I stood with her or if she wanted me to keep walking. The space thing worked out advantageously to her favour & the other way round on my side, because she no longer knew if she wanted to be in the relationship or not. I felt just a bit powerless, but at the same time my door for acceptance was open. I instantly decided to give her space. I immediately put my emotions on neutral – that, whichever side I fell on, I’d still be fine. Though, it would’ve been more pleasing to fall on hers.
 
The last time we spoke I had initiated that we should meet & talk in person. She pleasantly agreed & said it was a good idea, to see if there would be anything left to salvage. I suggested a date, but she never got back to me. I guess the relationship was really doomed, because, to date, we still have not made any communication. I don’t really feel sad; I just miss having a girlfriend & someone to love unconditionally. Or am I fooling myself? I’m one guy that doesn’t like dating as a sport. That’s how I see relationships to be like, lately. They are like a game of experiments. People rarely follow their instincts, instead resort to people’s sentiments, psychologists, therapists – name it. A person’s individual’s decisions are mostly influenced by other people, not everyone always follows their own hearts & instincts. It’s always a case of ‘if you do this, this is how he/she will respond.’ I don’t want to end up sounding like a relationship expert, so let me just stop here. What are your sentiments in all that you’ve read so far?
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