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Following the recent Al Jazeera spy cable leaks, I decided to pay a visit to my local Persian carpet shop to try and get to the bottom of all the various allegations and doing the rounds at the moment. This particular shop is called Carpets for Africa, and is run by a gentleman called Abdul and his wife – a friendly couple who claim to have been born in South Africa. I have always found them suspicious, especially since I discovered what appeared to be a listening device of some sort attached to the corner of one of their carpets and cleverly disguised as a security-tag – the kind usually found on clothes and used to prevent shoplifting. The shop is always full of dreary middle-class white women, most likely moles, secret agents and killers-for-hire in between school-runs. There could be few better-suited fronts for espionage than the classic unobtrusive carpet shop.
After getting Abdul to pull out a couple of carpets from the very bottom of a few carpet-stacks for me to look at (force of habit), I started chatting to him about his role as an Iranian spy-handler and information-peddler. He was cagey at first, but seemed unable to maintain his façade of innocence in the face of my earnest persistence. Here is what he had to say:
Me: So how long have you been in the spy racket, Abdul?
Abdul: I’m not sure what you’re talking about man… Would you like to see one of the new Bukharas we’ve just got in. Brand new shipment, you know; you’ll be the first to see them.
Me: Are they at the top or the bottom of your stacks?
Abdul: The top – we just received them, I told you.
Me: In that case, no thanks. I take it you’ve already removed the smuggled dossiers, hit-lists and information requests anyway?
Abdul: What do you mean?
Me: I just saw that portly white lady leaving with a suspiciously bulging runner. Come on Abdul, you can be honest with me.
Abdul: Mrs. Snyman? Oh yes, she just picked up a lovely new Isfahan. Comes with free cleaning and repairs for ten years. It was a real beauty – would you like to see one?
Me: Top or bottom?
Abdul: I just got them out to show her so they’re easily accessible…
Me: No thanks.
Abdul: How about a Bijar then? Or a lovely Nain? What space are you looking to fill? Or are you planning to hang it on a wall?
Me: I’m much more interested in what’s inside your carpets than the regions they come from – besides which, we both know they all come straight from Tehran right?
Abdul: Again, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. We’re in the carpet business here, man.
Me: Sure you are. Come on Abdul, you can level with me. Who do you work for? The Revolutionary Guards? Iranian Secret Service? Are you a double-agent?
Abdul: What are you talking about man? Come on – have a look at these Kashans. We’ve had them sitting here a while now so I’ll give you a good price and a cash discount. And they’re right at the bottom of the pile.
Me: Alright let’s have a look. Oh I do like that knotting! And those tendrils! Those are beautiful. Could you just pull out that one right at the bottom for me – the dark red, yes. And while you’re busy there, just tell me who you report to at the embassy. Who’s your handler? How much are you paid? Have there been any Israeli threats on your life? Who do you pay off in the SSA? Do you have any hacking skills? Is that a four or a five weft cord? On that one, yes.
Abdul: Five. These two are four wefts. See how heavy they are? These really warm up a room on those cold winter nights.
Me: Listen Abdul, I’ve got to get back to the office, so just be straight with me. What specific government departments have you been ordered to infiltrate? Is it Home Affairs? Public Works? Trade and Industry? Do you have connections in the ruling party? It goes right to the top doesn’t it?
Abdul: Oh! What’s this one doing here? This Gabbeh isn’t supposed to be here…
Me: Aha! So what’s inside that one? I've got you now haven’t I? Come on hand it over and let’s see what’s inside!
Abdul: No, I mean the Gabbeh stack is over on that side of the shop. My wife must have got them mixed up. She’s always doing that.
Me: That is such a rich orange isn't it. And that thick pile! What a beautiful piece.
Abdul: It is. And these are quite rare these days – people usually only make them for use in their own homes, you know. Come, I’ll give you a really good price on this one. Call it seven thousand, warranty included, free cleaning, free repairs for ten years, and I’ll throw in this little Balouchi for free. You could use it as a welcome mat or a bed-side piece, or even put in on a small table-top or hang it on a wall? What do you say? That is a really good deal, let me tell you. People pay ten thousand for one of these.
Me: I see you’re really sweating now, Abdul. I've got you on the ropes don’t I? Come on just admit it? Spill it!
Abdul: You've just had me digging out the hardest-to-reach carpets for the last ten minutes man, and I’m starting to suspect you have no intention of buying anything, so I’m beginning to get pissed off.
Me: Your anger gives you away. If you were innocent you’d have nothing to be upset about. Who’s that guy coming in now? Is he delivering a package from your spymasters? What’s he got wrapped up in there? And who’s that blonde woman behind him? She’s one of your top agents isn’t she? Call her over – I want to talk to her.
Abdul: Okay my friend, I’ve got to take a delivery now, so maybe you can come back a little later if you only want to talk. There are real customers to serve too… Come on, you’re just wasting my time now.
Me: Tough guy huh? I’ll break you one of these days Abdul. I’m onto you now. Is that a Shiraz at the bottom of that stack over there? Would you get it out for me before I go? It’s a Qashqai isn't it? I’m sure I recognise the deep colour in it. Pull it out for me quickly?
Abdul: Okay, fuck off now. I’m serious.
Me: I’ll be back later and you can fill me in on all the details. Thanks for your time, Abdul.
