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Having watched the War of Words that has been raging between Christians, gays, atheists, vegans, and others for quite some time, I’ve decided to propose a solution that might put an end to these ungodly holy hostilities.
What we need is a platform, or portal, or podium, or black hole, or long drop, (or someplace, Sakkie), where we can get together, group-hug, fornicate, eat pork, abstain, procreate, procrastinate, pray, cuss, and air our anuses (or anii, depending on your sexual orientation) to our hearts’ delight.
We need something along the lines of the open mosque that was recently unveiled in a warehouse in Cape Town – a place where everyone is welcome to breed his/her/its own mosquitoes in peace and harmony.
We also need a National Hymn/Hyr to sing in our Synagogue/ Church/ Ganghouse/ Brothel/ Whatever.
I have in mind something along the lines of an old Khoisan folksong, called: !ke e: /xarra //ke.
In Afrikaans it means: !vanaand gaan: /die volkies //koring sny.
And in English: !god did not save: /the //king.
In EFF, it translates as: !kill the: /farmer //kill the: !boer.
In other words, a song for everyone: dividing us even more in our diverse cities.
But that’s not all.
For Christians, gays, and atheists to unite, they need to belong to the same faith. (Now don’t put words in my mouth, Sakkie. I realise that atheism and veganism are not “faiths.” But then, neither is Christianity.)
You might ask what is in it for me, personally. Like this:
“What is in it for you personally, Siriru Kandji?” you might ask.
Well, I’ll tell you.
I’ve just read an article on how that bloody snake-oil salesman – and demolisher of faithful buildings – “Prophet” TB Joshua, had sent 4,000 Bottles of Powerful Anointing Holy Water to cure Ebola in Sierra Leone. This got me thinking: Isn’t it about time I started a little scam of my own?
Now, as all Christians know: Moses (who was an alcoholic) was found motherless in the reeds. But what they don’t tell you is that it was in fact, The Reeds, Centurion, right here in Gauteng.
And another thing: Never. Ever. Ever. Mix your drinks. Mixing your whiskey with a dash of Powerful Anointing Holy Water (PowAnHoW) is just looking for trouble. PowAnHoW is six times more potent than Sierra Silver Tequila™ (also known as “The Rock That Bites,” from Guadalajara). Moses wouldn’t listen, and just look what happened to him. Dead as a dodo on the wrong side of the Dead Sea.
But that’s not important right now.
Regardless of what you’ve been told, there is only one correct way to drink Powerful Anointing Holy Water – especially if you plan to indulge in more than one shot. (Four shots of PowAnHoW is known as a Zombie Stopper.)
You will need:
A bottle of PowAHoW
A shot glass
An organic saucer of free ranging salt
Lemon wedges
The basic steps to drinking a PowAnHoW shot in the traditional “lick, sniff, squeeze” method are as follows:
· Take a generous lick of salt from the saucer.
· Close your left nostril with your left index finger, and suck up one tot of PowAnHoW through your right nostril.
· Squeeze a wedge of lemon into your left eye.
Refreshing! Right? Right!
Remember: Lick, sniff, squeeze. Easy.
Already, I can see the name of our Church in lights:
The Full Periscope Church of Happy Christian Heathens and Latter Day Gays
“No Mosquitoes here, Folks! Everyone Welcome! Join Today and Get your Free Bottle of PowAnHoW! Stocks are Limitless!”
We shall hold services under the open sky – no risk of buildings collapsing on our congregation, or falling asleep in church.
Rules:
There ARE no rules. Biting, spitting, hair pulling, kicking, scratching, hitting with powder-puffs (for gays) below the belt, grouching, couching, touching, vouching, and douching is allowed. Just as long as everyone has a good time.
SO. What about you? Are you going to join? Send $100, 000 to Account Number: 68043378692 at FNB if you’re interested. I’ll get back to you.
I’m waiting…
