News from the future!

Here's a little article I whipped up.

In the year 2015:

Oscar Pistorius will be diagnosed with a terminal illness, and be granted medical parole. After a visit from TB Joshua, he will be cured and be all set to live a long life as a free man. Unfortunately, he will be called upon by Joshua to ‘witness’ at a church revival in Nigeria, and will die there as a result of discharging a gun in the church’s main building, causing it to collapse on him.

Jacob Zuma will dramatically announce his retirement from government, as it is revealed to him by Julius Malema that he has been living a lie as the President of South Africa. Malema will show comprehensively that the position of executive president was created by PW Botha in 1983, and therefore is nothing more than a ‘white construct.’ The plan then backfires spectacularly, as Zuma declares himself ‘Paramount Chief of the Fiefdom of South Africa’ for life, in order to more closely reflect the country’s African heritage. Malema is later impaled on a wooden spike in Sandtown Square to complete the effect.

The South African Rand will finally reach twenty to the Dollar, at which point the Reserve Bank will knock off three zeroes because ‘it looks better that way.’ Claiming victory for improving the economy by ‘about a bazillion percent,’ the latest batch of policymakers would be shocked to discover that the country’s salaries and savings had depreciated by a similar amount, if only they could work it out by counting it on their fingers. It occurs to some of the less stupid individuals that they should have paid more attention in junior primary mathematics classes.

South Africa becomes the undisputed, top rugby nation once again, as a massive earthquake finally sinks New Zealand to the depths of the Pacific Ocean; leaving Australia with no one to practice against. The South African soccer team hopes the same luck can befall them, but later concede that an earthquake massive enough to sink every other soccer playing nation in the world is ‘highly improbable.’