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Not Crazy, Just Damaged

By: forest gump 2014-08-21 21:00
Having been formally diagnosed with anxiety disorder/ depression I feel that while what I say won’t matter to most, I certainly have more of a right to have an opinion on the issue of suicide as while I’ve never quite reached that point in hopelessness I have had to deal with a tremendous amount of self-hate which was accompanied by whole lot of blatant disregard for my personal well-being and for those unfortunate enough to have to deal with me on a daily basis.     If you were ask family or friends of mine who know me but who don’t KNOW me then according to them I would be on top of their list of happy people. I hate being the centre of attention yet my actions almost inevitably result in me being in exactly that position.  I thrive on trying to know as much as possible on the people who are close to me and love when people show an interest in knowing who I am yet soon after divulging details and snippets of my life story I end up feeling not good enough and retreat back into my shell.
I wouldn’t survive without my shell although I have often tried. I realise that while wanting to be around people and at the same time knowing that being around people doesn’t make me feel very good about myself doesn’t make sense I realise that that’s just the way I am. I can guess what makes me the way I am but it would be just that guess.
  I think I’ve always been loved but never in the way that I guess have I wanted to be loved. My father the highly educated drug addicted educator and a mother who somehow made his shame her own by always making excuses for him. I think some of accountability for who I was an as child can be attributed to my parents but as an adult can I really still be angry at them? I think so.
While I love my parents I haven’t told them that I do in 10 years when it comes to my mother and 15 in the case of my father. I just can’t do it. Not that it would be a lie because like I just said I do but I feel that I can’t tell them that I love  with without letting them know just how  disappointed I am in the way that they raised me .  I consider myself extremely lucky to not have a criminal record as while being witness to my father’s self-destruction kept me away from all drugs, I excelled at being a teenage criminal (arson, house breaking, shoplifting, drug dealing and vandalism).  I never considered myself a bad person I just wanted to show the world my worst all the while hoping that it would still accept me.
  I remember having an argument with my dad after he decided to give me a beating (one of many) after one of my misdeeds. The beating doesn't stand out but what he said does something along the lines while he acknowledges that he hasn't shown me how to live my life right but by looking at him I should at least know what not to do.  While there have been other beatings because of what was said it stands out more than the others.   I am now married and whilst am for the most part happier than I ever was before there are moments where I get reminded of the past (therapy has taught me that the past can’t be forgotten or ignored it has to be acknowledged which I struggle with) and I go into this state where for a little while nothing that I have achieved feels as if I truly deserved it.
I feel damaged. I second guess myself on nearly anything; what is right and what feels right. I am often too afraid to make a stand on anything when it comes to disagreements I have with my wife particularly those that we have which revolve around moral issues.  I feel I have to defer to her since her upbringing and guidance she received was just so much better than mine. (Also she had a upbringing that was different from mine and some us disagreeing equals the question how is it possible that we are together and want  have children.)   Even when I am convinced, that I am right.  I am however more willing to have discussions with others and to assert my point of view.  At work i am a leader. My boss looks to me to drive profits.  I think i am quite good at what i do but what i do is pretend  to enjoy myself because when you want people to part with their money and entrust you with it positive  spirit is needed. I don't struggle to get up in the mornings as i dread what days going to bring I look .(yes i have lazy days but that's different).   I do this because to not do so , would be a slap in the face of the people who gave me opportunities when i wouldn't have been able to fault them if they hadn't wanted to .  From the principal whose science lab i destroyed but still allowed me to finish my matric( cant say for sure but i don't think i would have finished school if he had chosen to expel me), to the shopkeepers who would rather ban me from their premises than get the police involved because they thought i was just being naughty. Right down to my wife who gave me a chance( her only condition being that whatever i give her had to be honestly earned) . For 8 years all fun activities  in our relationship was paid for by her which in my book makes her awesome. 
I am a firm believer in that we reap what we sow.  That what we put in is almost always what we can expect to get out.  So Im very aware that at any point in time i could lose all that ive gained for myself. My parent’s current living circumstances are of their own doing (derelict in every possible way). These days I see my parents as little as possible. Sometimes I feel guilt other times nothing. They are a reminder of what I could be and what I probably am in some ways.  I am not ashamed of them yet  i do not feel entirely comfortable in their presence. 
My house and my 5 figure salary cover up my vulnerabilities nicely. I am grateful that the worst my misdeeds ever earned me was a few slaps/kicks from tired over worked policemen.  I am grateful for my upbringing despite knowing that it should have had a whole lot more happy memories. Things could have been so very different for me as teenage bad decisions can have lifelong consequences (my dad always spoke about fact that he started smoking weed regularly at age 11).  My relationship with my wife is a bit on the dysfunctional side i can see that but their are moments when she helps me experience what i believe to be ultimate fulfillment and that makes everything worth it. 

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