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Penny for your thoughts?

The parliamentary election in South Africa in 1948 represented a turning point in this country’s history. It was the year Dutch Reformed cleric D.F. Malan, and his band of Herenigde Gereformeerde Kerkorrel Nasionale Party (NP), came to power.

Personally, speaking on behalf of myself, and in my own capacity as an individual, I know for a fact that 1948 (MCMXLVIII) certainly had one helluva big impact on my own life – it was, after all, the year in which I was born. At a very early age, I may add.

Nineteen Forty-Eight was a glorious year. It was good to be young and alive, and in love for the very first time.

(Sorry, I got carried away there.)

1948 marked the last recorded sighting of the Caspian tiger in the Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan; a fire in a Buddhist monastery in Shanghai killed 20 monks until they died from it; and the Israeli Declaration of Independence was made.

Unfortunately, in 1948, no one bothered to tell me that these momentous events were taking place. Grown-ups always spoke to me in a gobbledygook language, consisting of: “Goo-goo, ootchie-cootchie-coo, wee-wee, poofies, num-nums,” and other nonsensical words, which I just couldn’t understand.

By the time the adults around me had learned to speak proper English, the Gnats had their apartheid policy firmly in place; the Caspian tiger was long gone; the Buddhist monks had learnt not to play with matches; and the Israelis were doing what Israelis have been doing since Biblical times: eating hummus, circumnavigating their new-born sons on the eighth day, and fighting Philistines.

Now let me tell you some interesting things about 1948:

In the year Nineteen Forty-Eight *(BZ), we had very little designer things. Designer jeans, designer shirts, designer handbags, designer nappies, designer beards, designer watches, designer Botox faces, designer boobs and butts, etc, were unheard of.

Nor were there any of the “designer diseases” such as: manic depression; Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD); dolus eventualis snot-gurglers; yuppie flu; or hyperactive, pre-delinquent, dyslexic, learning disabled children.

Parents in 1948 believed that the treatment for these “designer disabilities” needed “intervention” in the form of a good, old fashioned spanking.

I was miraculously cured of my manic depressive, impoverished learning curve, by generous servings of a rug strap to my thankless backside, administered by my dearly departed old Dad (PBUH). I’ll be forever indebted to him.

Nowadays people with diseases, disabilities, and those who are mentally challenged, travel all the way to Lagos, Nigeria, to be cured, fleeced, and conned by that charlatan preacher and televangelist, TB Joshua.

Joshua uses the traditional “collapsing building” cure – first used successfully when the Tower of Babel collapsed during the building of the Highway to Heaven. The “collapsing building treatment” is supposed to be a permanent cure for all ailments. I wouldn’t know. I don’t trust charlatans preachers – or lawyers, or secondhand car salesmen, or politicians, or insurance agents. Or Nigerians.

And what about the so-called “bipolar disorders?”

The only “bipolar” we had in 1948, was the patent by William Shockley for his invention of the first bipolar junction transistor. And Shockley’s transistors certainly didn’t suffer from any “disorders.”

I’m sure my old Dad would have cured a modern-day “bipolar” within a few minutes – using his favourite rug strap. But that’s not important right now.

Back to the year 2014 BZ.

One of my most prized possessions is a 1948 penny. It was given to me by my son (PBUH), many years ago. 2,398,000 of these coins were produced for circulation in 1948, with another 1,120 minted in Proof, for collectors.

On the obverse side of the coin is the head of King George, with an inscription in Latin: GEORGIVS SEXTVS REX. In plain English, this means: “George had sex six times with his dog, Rex.” Apparently George loved his dog. Very much. Like Arsetralians love their sheep. (And some of our Xhosas love their goats – although they’d never admit to it in public.)

On the reverse side of the penny is the Dromedaris in full sail. This was the vessel which brought Johan (Jan) Anthoniszoon van Riebeeck and his wife, Maria de la Queillerie, to the Ar-se of Africa (RSA), in 1652. Of course, it wasn’t called the Ar-se of Africa back in those days. It was just called the Ar-se, for short.

Under a magnifying glass (if you look closely at the image of the Dromedaris), you will see Jan and Maria standing at the bow of the ship – with Maria pretending to be flying, and Jan hanging on to her earlobe with his teeth. Very much like DiCrapio and Winslet in the movie, Titanic. (Except that Jan’s hair was longer and less oily than DiCrapio’s. And he had a few more head lice.)

In the Cape Town CBD, in the background behind the Dromedaris, you can see Harry the Hottentot and the residents of Khayelitsha, marching to the provincial legislature to hand over a “symbolic memorandum,” complaining about service delivery and their undignified long drops.

Even in 1652, the pee pool were muching, benning tyres, blocking the roads, and stoning pussing cuss. Muck my weds – some things will never change.

If my 1948 penny could talk, I’m sure it would say that I suffer from a “delusional dominating personality disorder” – and that I forgot to mention that, in 1948, Gerard Kuiper discovered the innermost moon of Uranus – a fact that very few people are aware of, even today, in 2014.

To which I would have replied that most people never ever listen to the meanderings of tarnished old pennies minted in 1948 – or the musings of doddering old farts like me.

*(BZ) – before Zuma

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