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“Religiosity is a debilitating mental disorder, and those who suffer from it are particularly susceptible to brainwashing,” Plug told Frikkie. “You will find it surprisingly easy to convince them that you are a prophet sent by God, and that if they give us their money they will be rewarded with everlasting life and all manner of goodies when they get to heaven.”
“I don’t get it,” said Frikkie. “What makes religious people so stupid?”
“Faith,” said Plug. “Faith paralyses large areas of your brain and you lose the ability to reason in accordance with the basic rules of logic. It blinds you to the evidence before your eyes.”
“Is that why it’s called blind faith?” asked Frikkie.
“Probably,” said Plug. “Once a person has faith they become easy prey for unscrupulous charlatans as well as authoritarian leaders.”
“I take it we fit into the unscrupulous charlatan category?” said Frikkie.
“If you like,” said Plug. “I would prefer to say we are smart businessmen who base our strategies on astute observation of human nature. On this planet there are billions of people who are afflicted with faith, and as a consequence of their diminished reasoning ability they can be persuaded to behave irrationally. Like willingly go to war and kill strangers with whom they have no quarrel. They also vote into power scoundrels who clearly demonstrate contempt for their supporters and misappropriate tax money to enrich themselves and their families. And it is easy to persuade people with faith to work hard for meagre wages in order for a tiny minority to become inordinately rich. It is this willingness to abandon reason, join the herd and obey commands, no matter how nonsensical or abhorrent they might be, that distinguishes the person who has surrendered to faith from those of us who retain control over our intellects. And by holding on to our scepticism we are able to take advantage of those whose judgement is clouded by faith.”
Frikkie and Plug were seated side by side on a couch in Plug’s luxury apartment. In front of them was a big plasma screen and behind them was glass and an over-priced view of the Atlantic Ocean.
“You are telling it like it would be dead easy for me to become a successful evangelist, but you are forgetting something,” said Frikkie.
“What’s that?”
“The most important quality of any cult leader,” said Frikkie. “Charisma. I don’t have even the slightest trace of charismatic appeal in me. I couldn’t get a Labrador puppy to follow me, let alone thousands of adoring disciples.”
“That’s where you are wrong,” said Plug. “All of the top celebrity preachers employ a range of techniques that can be studied, copied and improved upon. We’re going to get started by watching a whole lot of videos.” And he picked up the remote and pressed PLAY. Billy Graham’s face filled the screen, he looked straight at the two charlatans on the couch and asked them in an accusing tone whether they were sincere about doing the work of the Lord. Plug pushed PAUSE.
“Lesson number one,” he said. “Make your flock of mutton heads feel guilty by questioning their depth of commitment.” He took out his cigarette box and pen and made a note. “I’ll make a list as we go along.”
They watched three Billy Graham videos and then some footage of Adolf Hitler and finally a YouTube clip of Eugene Terre Blanche.
“That will do for a start,” said Plug. They went out on the balcony and looked at the view, which seemed a real rip-off, because the weather had turned cloudy and a nasty wind was picking up. “Tomorrow we can watch some more, and you can start practising.”
Under Plug’s tutelage Frikkie learned fast and by the end of the week he was able to address his imaginary audience with growing confidence. He strode back and forth, stopped in mid stride, pointed accusingly, and demanded answers to questions like, ‘Have you driven Satan from your heart?’ and, ‘Have you been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ?’ He tried speaking in a normal tone of voice and then, without warning switching to a shout. Plug said this was scary and very effective. Plug also helped him to get his timing right when he asked a stupefyingly imponderable question like, ‘What is God going to say to you on the Day of Judgement?’ The trick was to pause long enough for the sinner to realise he hadn’t a clue what God would say, but not too long before putting some extremely intolerant words into God’s mouth.
“It’s all about inducing mass hysteria,” said Plug. “The last thing you want is for the members of your congregation to act like thinking individuals.”
“Ever since you got me to give up my faith I have felt liberated,” said Frikkie. “I now find it hard to grasp how it is that so many people can still believe that Bible stuff in the 21st century.”
“Yes,” said Plug. “An atheist cannot fail to be astonished at the extent to which people will go to delude themselves.”
Plug coached Frikkie in a variety of oratorical techniques, teaching him how to make his eyes bulge when he went into ranting mode, how to simulate weeping when expressing sorrow, how to turn his spittle into froth, how to shout like thunder, and how to scream and gabble like an imbongi. He also taught him how to pace back and forth, stop, point accusingly, raise eyes to heaven, fall to knees, and pretend to kiss the dusty feet of Christ his Saviour.
“You must also learn to speak in tongues,” Plug told the trainee minister.
“Wouldn’t it be better if I got someone else to speak in tongues and I do the translation?” said Frikkie.
“Good thinking,” said Plug, who liked it when Frikkie gave his brain a bit of exercise. “Anyone who is into rap would find it dead easy speaking in tongues.”
Plug was delighted with Frikkie’s rapid progress and was sure he would soon have a large flock eating out of his hand and donating their money to the church. It was time to hire a PA system and a large marquee, and to get the show on the road.
