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If you want to convert people to your opinion, chances are good you will tell them what is wrong or right. Research on observational learning has shown that ‘telling’ does not work.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201407/giving-people-advice-rarely-works-does
Due to evolution and having a specific gene called FOXP2, we acquired the skill of language (verbal and non-verbal). We are able to convey huge pockets of information with a few sounds (words and gestures); whereas animals have to rely mainly on body language.
How well do we apply the skill of effective communication?
In general, communication does not seem to happen very effectively, since we often experience miscommunication, which leads to misunderstanding. I think communication is relevant for primarily two reasons: the first reason is in order for us to connect with other people by using empathy and reflection; the second reason is for us to work towards achieving a task by sharing information. Therefore, the way in which people choose to communicate, will affect the connection or the task. According to Marston’s DISC research, there are 4 types of human behaviour. Types 1, 2 and 3 can be grouped as behaviour that is ruled by the fearful ego. Type 4 is ruled by unconditional love.
Type 1 uses ‘blaming, naming and shaming’. This person wants to be in control and has a need to be right. They only focus on the task and often force their opinions onto other people. It is all about THEIR way; they want to tell others what is right and how to do things. There is very little to no empathy present, thus they are incapable of connecting with other people in a meaningful way or on an emotional level.
Type 2 is ‘the victim’ who has a need for sympathy. There is no task in mind and the connection with people is very low. This can also display passive aggressive behaviour. This person fears change or new information.
Type 3 is the ‘people pleaser’. This person needs to be liked and will please others in order to be liked and accepted. The connection with people is therefore high, but the completion of the task is often low. These people very often bank resentment as a result of not being able to say ‘no’, which leads to taking on too much.
Type 4 is solution-orientated person with an open mind and makes a strong connection with people as well. There is a strong need for collaboration, transparency and solutions. They know how to empathise, they know how to set clear boundaries and to successfully complete a task which is to the benefit of all. They see every interaction as an opportunity to work towards a win-win solution. They see everybody as equal and apply good listening skills. They will first ask questions to bring understanding before they share their opinion. This type of behaviour will not tell others what to do, but instead ask them what they think is the best for them. This type displays emotional intelligence.
Type 1 is often seen in the corporate world as strong bosses who indoctrinate and rule by fear. Religion has its fair share of Type 1 as well. The preacher that tells the congregation what is wrong and right according to God’s law; indoctrinating fear and guilt amongst the followers. People who are buying into this form of control, will display Type 3 behaviour. They fear that their boss or God will not like them and thus they concede by not honouring their own boundaries.
Fear ultimately originates from irrational beliefs. This can cause tremendous emotional suffering. I have observed that many Christians have a “swinging” behaviour. The behaviour usually starts with trying to “be nice” to other people (Type 3); then, when this approach is unsuccessful, they might swing into either the victim (Type 2) or into aggression (Type 1). When they manage to get their point across (usually by naming, blaming or shaming), they feel bad about their behaviour and then they ‘swing’ back to pleasing others. [The ‘swing’ can also start in Type 1 and go to Type 3 and back to Type 1).
This “swinging” creates a lot of stress within relationships, because the behaviour is inconsistent and unpredictable. This behaviour pattern is typical of someone who is living in fear - fear that people might not like them or does not approve of them; or fear of being out of control; or a fear of change.
In the church, preaching is done with the Type 1 behaviour – task orientated (“You must repent!”) – and it often evokes fear in the congregation who is behaving in Type 3 – connecting with the minister/priest and others due to the need for approval. Thus no opportunity or space is created for independent thinking or questioning. The ‘Truth’ (?) is told or instructed (forced, even) to the congregation and people just believe blindly. In a religious community it works tremendously well, but the moment someone steps into a non-believers environment, the preaching in Type 1 does not deliver good results due to the lack of connection. Preaching is task orientated with neither any real emotional connection, nor with respect or appreciation for another’s beliefs.
I had many experiences with people, often religious, who desperately tries to convince me to believe what they believe. I have attempted to explain that I have created my own beliefs and religion does not work for me anymore…but to no avail. I have discovered that we can only reason with people who are open enough to think differently.
“People don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.
How we behave is a choice. Wouldn't it be great if we all could just do Type 4 behaviour, no matter what our beliefs are?
