Leaving on Jet planes

JZ and his entourage decided to celebrate the 70^th Anniversary of the end of WW2. This took place in Moscow where JZ’s visited his NEW best friend Putin – We are sure they laughed and exchanged friendly banter about many things. Such as how to convert South Africa into a communist state and how to dupe the country into thinking that there is a free, fair, open and transparent R1 Trillion nuclear deal – Im sure this topic gained many chuckles as only JZ can.

Their flight plans however had to be suddenly changed as the Presidents jet ‘Inkwazi’ was struck down with fuel problems. This meant the plane would need to make a pit stop in Africa on its way home – Such a high profile celebrity such as JZ could never take such a risk. Thus a replacement plane was hired from Dubai by the powers that be. Unfortunately for the president the plane they hired landed in Russia to a ‘No-show’. Obviously this is all the pilots fault for not adjusting their watches to ‘African Time’. The plane then returned empty after nobody pitched. This outrageous act forced the powers that be to organise yet another plane for the president. This time organising one that could only take the President, his very important wife and some other Crony, leaving the rest to have to catch commercial flights (First Class of course) back to SA. This holiday hick-up resulted in a few million rand going to waste – Please nobody panic though it was only tax payers money and the president is safely back home.

Mmusi breaks Twitter

Mmusi took to the twitter sphere this week to answer questions about himself and his party, their goals and ambitions. Despite strong warnings that the ‘Black twitter’ (Didn’t even know such a thing exists) would tear Mmusi a new one. However the twitter storm went on without a hitch and even provided some entertainment with its random bouts of comic relief.

Shock Therapy

ANC declares war on itself Eskom. To curb losses incurred due to literally Hundreds of THOUSAND’s of unpaid electrical bills, a decision was passed by ‘State owned’ i.e. Government owned i.e. ANC controlled Eskom, to install prepaid meters has been met with much fury by Sowetan residents. So much so, that to show their support for these residents – The ANC has selflessly organised a march against itself and its decision to implement these meters – You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried!

Promises, Promises

Earlier this week the ANC government encouraged the public to ‘nurture a mentality of paying for services’. This has sparked certain residents of Soweto who would prefer to remain ‘unnamed’ to vent their outrage. These residents believe that they are entitled to free electricity as it was one of the things promised to them by then ANC when the country gained democracy in 1994. This unnamed custodian of ANC lies of past, went on to say “the late former president Nelson Mandela's promise of a better South Africa with free education, free electricity, free water and sanitation had not been realised.”

Locals have demanded a flat rate, which they will never pay. One unemployed woman who owns a house in Orlando, Soweto, admitted to not paying the monthly bills which she received, “I don't want to lie. I don't pay every month because it seems like when you pay every month, it's the more money they demand," she said. She did not however, want the prepaid meter to be installed in her yard, because this would force her to pay.

Buying Loyalty

Cell C have announced that they will ‘Buy your contract’ from MTN or Vodacom up to the value of R10 000, in a bid to grow it contract custom base. Many cell phone users from other networks see this as a way of getting out of their crappy contracts, however Cell C users would rather see that money going towards improving services, faster data and less dropped calls. The amount you receive to ‘Buy out’ your contract will depend solely on what contract you take out with Cell C. This will be interesting to keep track of.

Sparking debate

Sparks…one word this week that has simultaneously been met with anger, confusion, idiocy and resentment. One can only try to begin to wonder how in a country such as South Africa with its political past, Sparks thought it a good idea to compare/relate/insinuate/mention Verwoed and Zille in the same sentence. The apartheid architect vs the woman who fought against it and continues to fight it to this day. His comments detracted attention from the whole DA election. So much so that if one was asked what happened at this momentous occasion of the changing of the guards most people will probably respond with, ‘That idiot Sparks opened his dirty mouth, spewing dribble’. However that being said, he at least had the decency to come out and do some damage control and apologised to everyone for what he said. Which is more than can be said for any of our other leaders in power.

International plot foiled

This just in, Breaking News! The United States of America and United Kingdom are after Robert Mugabe AGAIN! Nobody on this planet could tell you why two of the world’s biggest superpowers would be interested in this former African ‘Food-basket’, or as we now know it – Mugabe’s Desert. Only Zanu-PF members could explain this one, but unfortunately were unable to respond to emails in time before the printing of this article. We hope to receive some crayon drawings depicting the seriousness of this situation by next week’s publication.

You’re going to fast

SA National Transport Department have made public their planned regulations to reduce speed limits on our roads by 20km/h within all City/Town limits. In a written statement the SANTD have mentioned that they hope these measures will curb deaths on our roads as taxi drivers will now be more aware of people and other road users’ safety, making them improved more consciences drivers. The department is also pleased to announce that this new initiative will also go hand in hand with the National Development Plan (NDP) as it will create more jobs. The tenders for road signs are expected to go out within the next month, as the department seeks its favourite friends and family members the best company for the job.

Silence is ‘Golden’

Lastly – Yet another mysterious and sudden inquiry comes to a halt. No official explanation has been given as to why actions against National Director of Public Prosecutions Mxolisi Nxasana have been abruptly halted. The inquiry was investigating Nxasana fitness to hold office by looking at his previous life before he became a saint and someone with the utmost respect for law and order. These include charges of assault and murder which are both misdemeanour offences and easily overlooked when applications are put forward by the presidency. No matter though, the presidency has assured the public that the president is currently engaging with Nxasana and that we ‘the public’ can take comfort in knowing that only full transparency, the truth and nothing but the truth will be revealed at the end of this engagement. No Golden ‘Shut your mouth’ Handshake here…