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Surviving the dark: a cancer survivor's tale

Note: This article was written by the recovering patient. Please do not address comments to me directly.

I am not sure if it’s Saturday or Sunday.

My phone shows the time to be a little past 3AM … dark and silent … I can see my own breath in the cold night air. I am thankful for the warm blanket and duvet - enjoying a welcome respite from the chemo side-effects… a consistent lull in the storm which has been raging since the night before.

Two days have passed since my last treatment. My body nauseated, weak. Legs feeling like jelly, chest burning…burning like nothing I have experienced before. I’m suffering tonight. I have not been able to sleep. I have been in and out of consciousness the whole day – grappling with a form of insomnia brought on by the unrelenting wave of violent hiccups and heartburn. (Yes, let’s call it 'heartburn'. I’ve never really suffered from it before, so I can only rely on my father’s description of what heartburn is].

These conditions all conspire to keep me out of sleep.

During the lull, the spit collects. In about 30 seconds, I will lean over - desperately seeking out the ice cream container (“spieg bakkie”) on the floor next to my bed. But before then, I would have re-acquainted myself with the ever-intrusive hiccups - three to 5 times per lull.

Spit!!!

Alone and desperate. Like entrepreneurship. In fact, it’s 100 times worse.

That’s how I’m feeling: mouth slobbered in a waterfall of mucous-like spit hanging from the lip; bouncing up and down; hanging on like a bungee jumper. Alone and desperate. That’s an apt description of how I feel.

But I am an optimist. My wife tells me so, so it must be true :-)

I think sometimes my optimism borders on romanticism - if not buffoonery. All I know is that it helped.

In my solitude, I would lay in bed dreaming up dreams: thinking and plotting of days in an ‘uncertain” future; reminiscing about past glories…POSITIVITY. It’s something which gets one through.

Gratefulness for what you have…gets one through.

It was a day or two after I had my third chemo session that I realised something - something which gave me hope at a time when all I had was hope and its older brother, FAITH. As a Muslim, I am taught by my noble Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) that sickness expiates some of our sins - so don’t despair. The theoretical understanding of that saying, and the physical/ literal experience, are two sides of the same coin.

God is Great!!!

What comfort. What companionship it was. Words cannot explain the relief one gets from ascribing to such a belief. But the reality of experiencing a belief is something that not only illuminates one’s faith, but brings solace to a very difficult and lonely experience.

As much as your family and friends are supporting you through your illness, the journey to recovery is a lonely one. Mostly, it’s just you and your coping mechanisms.

I suppose all of life’s trials have their coping mechanisms. And, no doubt, everybody will have their own manner of dealing with situations – be it business, financial, domestic or social difficulties. The overriding will to win will drive a person on.

Being positive, and staying positive are two different things.

In my humble opinion, being positive means keeping your head up and your eye on the goal. Staying positive is enduring the eye of the storm. Complaining positively is not being negative. It’s a form of sharing. It’s a coping mechanism – much needed to the incumbent, and hats off to the recipient.

I had many coping mechanisms. One such mechanism was my kids. A week after I was diagnosed, my wife gave birth to my daughter. (All praise is to Allah [GOD]) … her sounds were a breath of fresh air. My wife’s smile and a parent’s touch were comforts which I also relied on.

I would often just lay on my 3 year old son’s bed. All he wanted was to be able to play with his dad, but I continually made excuses. One afternoon, I mustered up enough energy to oblige his request. No sooner had we started playing, I plonked myself down and drifted off to sleep - waking up periodically to view his innocent play.

I think it was the third or fourth time of regaining consciousness when I witnessed him playing with my cell phone - swiping away and ‘pretending’ like he knew what he was doing. At times he became frustrated: I imagine he was not achieving his desired objective. I had not shown him how to use my phone, let alone did I explain to him how to navigate it.

Instead, I kept telling him: “That’s not a toy. Put it down.” But I didn’t have the energy, nor the will, to take it from him – so I let him play on. Observing him from a distance was both a torture and a treat. Then he paused, looked up, and smiled a huge smile: “Daddy! Smile! I’m taking a photo!”

I never took much notice of it at the time. I just brushed it off.

He carried on, and I fell asleep.

Watching him, I was reminded that one of the most amazing qualities of the human being is our ability to adapt – to change. And this, together with the yearning to learn and improve ourselves, means that we can accomplish so much. I saw him making mistakes, but he carried on. He tried again, and again, and again. He wanted to impress me. He wanted to prove to himself that he could do it…and he did.

That was sufficient evidence to show me that we are capable of change. It’s our ability to adapt to change that will ultimately determine our futures.

As a (hopefully) God-conscious person, I believe that our adapting is guided by our belief and way of life. As humans, we have free will to expose ourselves to changing environments – but we also have the choice of what we allow to influence us. This choice is an expression of our humility and character.

Life’s experiences – whether good or bad – are just that: experiences. With positivity, we can change the seemingly bad into good. Sickness can cripple one mentally and physically. Physically, I was taking a beating. And mentally, I was only just holding on.

But I was doing quite OK. Having endured a form of cancer and having gone through the rigours of its treatment, I can comfortably make that statement.

But I also draw on the one undeniable fact: with faith comes a form of contentment. And in the end, no matter what our background or differences, contentment is something we are all searching for. Some yearn for it, and others experience it.

Good or bad, we have the ability to turn the seemingly bad into good. And, as with anything, this can be used for the betterment of lives or to do evil and spread corruption.

Technology is no different. Technology is and always has been a part of our being. And with it, we have the ability to harness new technologies to benefit all.

Later that evening, when I again found myself alone and in the still of the night, I picked up my phone and browsed through my folders. I happened to come across the video folder. I opened it and I watched my son’s video – the one he had taken earlier in the day.

The next 30 seconds would make me smile for the entire evening – helping me to forget the pain and discomfort. It was evidence that technology can do both good and bad: we can make a difference.

Having only captured the upper right side of his face and a bit of the window blinds and roof, some would call my son’s attempted video amateurish and bit a clumsy: 15 seconds of ruffling and dropping the phone, followed by a high pitched laugh and a “love you DADDY!...get better soon!” – then another laugh, 5 seconds of silence . . . . . Bump. End.

All it took was 30 seconds to make a difference.

With a little bit of effort and endeavour, we can make a difference in our own lives, but more importantly, in the lives of others.

Sometimes, we do this on our own. But many times, people have to experience a life-changing event which propels them forward.

Whatever that event may be, God speed!!!

Be positive. And never give up!!!

By:Zaheer Parker– Cape Town, South Africa: Cricket Lover, Lawyer, Entrepreneur and cancer survivor

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