The birth of Mister Nice Guy

I have written many articles which contain biting, snide, unkind, and often, sarcastic content. Well, no more. From now on, I’m going to be more considerate to the readers out there.

I grew up in an era where very few people were politically correct; where speaking your mind was the order of the day; where calling a spade a spade was considered normal; where most of my peers had thick skins, and didn’t cry: “Verbal abuse!” at the drop of a hat.

Back then, you knew what people thought of you, and vice versa. People were not necessarily politically correct, but at least they were honest. They never called a spade a shovel.

I woke up this morning with an epiphany. (Yes, Sakkie, even at my age you still get them!) I decided that, from today, I shall be “good and nice” to everyone and everything. I shall be considerate, politically correct, and mindful of the feelings of others.

You are about to witness the birth of “Mister Nice Guy!”

I shall no longer shoot my neighbour’s barking dogs (or “bucking docks,” as his gardener calls them), with ice cubes from my catty.

I shall no longer kick potatoes into the exhaust pipes of cars that park in front of my driveway.

I shall no longer lose my temper at incompetent government employees with their 30% pass marks.

I shall no longer…

I think you get my drift. I am going to be “Good and Nice.”

Now, here’s a thing that worries me; remember the story about Noddy? Let me tell you:

Noddy was a Good and Nice little wooden boy who lived in his own little House-for-One, in Toyland. As he woke up one morning, he greeted everything around him: “Good morning, little House-for-One! I’m so glad to see you! Good morning little Noddy’s garden and flowers! You look so beautiful today! Good morning little Noddy’s garden gate, I love you!”

Noddy decided to go to his friend, Big Ears, to play with him.

“Good morning my dear Tessie Bear, Bumpy Dog, and Tubby Bears! You are such wonderful friends!” he said as he walked past them.

“Good day, Mr. Sparks, Mr. Golly, Miss Harriet, Twinkly, and Bunkey! Isn’t it a fantastic morning? Life is so good! Everything is so magnificent and awesome! And best of all, I’m going to play with my best friend, Big Ears!”

Finally, Noddy arrived at Big Ears’ house.

“Good morning, Big Ears’ garden gate, I like your melodious squeak! Good morning, Big Ears’ garden path, your paving stones are so beautifully arranged! Good morning, Big Ears’ house, your new coat of paint is stunning! Good morning, Big Ears’ front door, how lovely you look today!”

Noddy knocked on the door, and Big Ears opened it.

“Good morning, Big Ears! You’re my bestest bestest friend ever! I’ve come to play with you!”

“Aaagh! F-off Noddy! You make me sick,” shouted Big Ears, slamming the door in his face.

So there you have it. I’ve tried and failed. Bugger the epiphany; I’m not going to be nice.

A spade is a spade. Finish and klaar.