The cheque is in the post

Back in the day, when the cheque was in the post, a lady waving a notebook and pen, at a braai, called me over:

"I hear you are in bond collections.  What are the latest excuses people are coming up with these days?  I've run out of ideas."

Below are the best:

Edgars said they were going to take legal action against me so I decided to pay them.  It's against the law to take my house away.  My lawyer said so.

I'm not going to pay my bond no more.  My neighbour didn't and now your bank is giving him an attachment for his house.  I also want one of those.  He didn't say if it was a light fitting or awning or something.

My grandmother, Edwina, died.  I have to pay for her funeral.  But, she died last year, I told him.  That was my other grandmother.  Also called Edwina.  Or was that my mother?

A client came in with a stack of unstamped deposit slips.  This is proof that I have paid.  The teller was too busy to stamp them.

I drive a top of the range BMW.  I'm 'phoning you from my car 'phone.

I'm off to buy Kentucky.  If I have any change, I'll let you know.

I am going to win the lottery on Saturday so I'll settle you on Monday first thing.  You are top of my list.

If I pay you how am I expected to feed my children?  Let that be on your conscience.  Okay!

If you let me off this month, I'll bring you a chicken.

Why are you 'phoning me so soon?  I have twenty years to pay remember.  I'll look at it then.

The Church said they would pay.  Here is the number.  I am sick of this.

No-one said that I would have to pay interest.  Now I have to pay three times more.  This is so unfair.  I will pay you R100 a month until the R50 000 is settled.  More than you deserve.  Take it or leave it.

I was on my way to pay you this morning but the dog ate my money.  Stop laughing.  Put me through to your manager.

I have a secret.  Don't tell anyone.  I wrote Dancing Queen for Abba and they told me my royalty cheque is in the post.

F*k did skuld.  Ek gaan met vakansie.  Oorsee.