I am finding that my attitude towards gender issues is evolving. 

I think I would say I started out feminist, then became disillusioned with the state of affairs and became quite anti-feminist - bordering on misogynist. I'm currently in a state of contemplative, distant apathy. It feels like gender relations have reached a stalemate after many years of improving women's rights. Oh the gasps of horror if gender study classes could hear the casually brutal conversations I'm part of - they're frightening and by the participants' own admissions - unthinkable a decade ago. Men in their twenties push doubt and fears aside. By 34, men are leaving their high commitment phase (34 by the way being the now average age for an SA man to marry - it's literally reached the absolute limit) and their hormones have simmered down enough for them to assimilate the experiences of their peers and older cohorts. When women have had unfortunate experiences with men, they become mistrustful of men - but you always get the sense that they're holding out hope for that future relationship. When men have had the same they can become cynical, efficient, ruthless dogs.

The conversation is not about workplace equality - that's old news and men don't care what women earn - be it more, less or equal to them. The gist is about marriage. The idea is that relationships work well right up until marriage - after which they fall apart. And they fall apart because there is no longer any incentive to work on them - particularly for women (you want to divorce me? Go ahead, make my day!). It's as if their sex drive dries up and the husband suddenly represents everything that is wrong. He is the guy they can now complain about while making use of his resources. If he has an affair - he's also to blame. We had a friend's bachelor's a while ago and while I quizzed our 22 year old Muscovite stripper on Putin's machinations (hey, she stayed 5 hours - and yes, gloriously naked), the married guys clung to her as though she were a bubble of oxygen in their affection starved lives. (I'm not suggesting that husbands are angelic - but men have become far more sensitized to women's needs than just a single generation ago.)

The consensus is that everything goes along well until the nuptials. Sex is regular precisely because the relationship is insecure and demands on the man are low because the woman doesn't want to scare him away. However, after marriage, security is in place and sex is no longer needed as a carrot. Instead, the stick comes out in the form of ever tightening control exerted by the woman - don't place that dirty cup there, fluff the pillows like I showed you, I'd prefer if you didn't wear that, don't miss roll call... the man is turned into a gay (not bashing you guys... possibly slightly envious) version of himself and then the woman is no longer attracted to him. The last 8 months of my friend's marriage was sexless because she was hardly ever home from work before 9pm. The sure thing withers on the vine - it's all very counterintuitive until the same pattern is verified from different sources - the details change, but the story's the same. This is not a problem because five years down the line when the timing's more convenient, another covenant can easily be entered into. Or can it...

Men are working out a new formula and it's devastatingly simple. Serial monogamy. Co-habit to provide the woman with the sense of promise that the relationship is progressing towards something secure and "permanent". Enjoy the companionship and sex while it lasts and then when she starts becoming more persistent about marriage, end the relationship and restart the cycle. The man doesn't even need to break it off - he can simply wait until she breaks up with him - thus, he even leaves with some social sympathy. These days courtship periods can last almost a decade so the "mileage" can be surprisingly good. It's sex vs. security. So long as the man withholds security, he gets sex as an incentive. As soon as the security of marriage is in place, women no longer need to have sex. Instead, they can focus on their second need - consolidating control over the relationship by ever tightening restrictions and the accumulation of material comforts. After marriage, men find themselves objectified as mere tools, ironic since women lament men's objectifying their bodies for sex. Marriage for men is about giving more and getting less. This is of course an unsustainable disincentive and one of the reasons marriage rates are plummeting. 

In the baby boomer era, marriages tended to last at least long enough for the children to finish their education. By all accounts, a marriage that successfully raised and educated children, readying them for the world - was a success, even if it ended in divorce. Today, marriages are failing before children even, or soon after - raising the obvious question: what purpose do they serve beyond an ostentatious party, ring, expensive honeymoon and ruinous divorce? Remove the religious motivations from the now largely secular population and the writing's on the wall. Married men are now actively campaigning socially for bachelors not to marry their significant others as we shift towards a hedonistic relationship model. The new model works particularly well for men who prioritize youth, beauty and libido - cyclically "trading in" for newer models. Without the pesky marital financial contract, such swapping out can be done with little to no monetary loss. 

The disintegration of marriage will be interesting to watch from a sociological point of view. How will marriage be re-incentivized or how will men be coerced into marriage? Will society suddenly become more religious? Will women begin withholding sex until marriage again? Will governments risk the wrath of the majority of their populations with a discriminatory singles tax? All of these seem unlikely - nothing short of social collapse seems likely to bring back marriage. In the meantime we will breed non-committal cads and overburdened single mothers. The women lucky enough to not have children will be the only ones with enough time to wonder where all the serious men went. The disappearance of marriage is no loss to men - I wonder if women feel the same?

JH