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Sitting here at my desk at work, its 07.58am it’s a Thursday morning and I am balling my eyes out. I had to go to the bathroom to have a good cry then find someone with a calming tablet to help me gather myself so I can get on with my day. I work in a high paced sales environment, so I don’t have the luxury of feeling sad, my salary and my livelihood depends on it. All this because I just saw a post on Facebook, of a Dad telling his 8-year son that his mom died of a heroin overdose. I didn’t even watch the video I just saw the headline and the picture and that was me… done.
I am an extremely sensitive person, ask anyone I know and they will tell you. I have no control over my emotions. When I am happy I am HAPPY, when I am sad, I am SAD and when I am angry believe me you will know it. Take your pick, I feel them all intensely.
Many people don’t understand and can become very frustrated with me because they do not know how to respond or they cannot understand why I can get so upset about something that has no impact on my life? But I CAN’T HELP IT, believe me I have tried. This is who I am; I have come to accept that, because I am too tired of trying to change it. And trying to keep it in only makes things worse; I have to let it out. It’s now about acceptance and finding the best way to manage it so that it doesn’t consume me and suck me into this deep dark hole.
With all that is going on in the world it is hard not to feel despondent or heartbroken on a daily basis for those around me and around the world. I can’t drive down the road without seeing how hard life is, not just the beggars with their babies on the street corner, standing there day in day out, Monday to Sunday, heat, cold and rain. Not just them, but the domestic workers who have to wake up at 3 am to leave home to take 3 different modes of transport just to get to work on time. Then do it all over again just to get home by 8/9 in the evening, working for a salary that is actually laughable. I see the workers standing, waiting, hoping, praying for someone to stop and offer them some work for the day, just to feed their kids. That’s all in the space of a few kilometres.
Then you listen to the news, read social media and all I hear and see are the absolute tragedies around me, children being raped while their mom looks on, kids being abducted and sold as sex slaves, war zones torn apart by religious and political conflict, people’s homes being destroyed, families leaving their country to find a safer place only to be turned away with no place in the world to go to. And this is only the tip of the iceberg.
Sometimes it gets so bad I feel that I physically cannot take the pain that I feel inside. Not the pain for me but the pain for others, it hits my inner core, every cell in my body. I wonder how I am going to go through the rest of my life feeling like this. I just want to climb in bed close the curtains and sleep until things change or the great feeling of sadness in my chest subsides. Sometimes I pray to God to end the world so that all the suffering can just stop, but clearly I am still here so he must have better plans.
I don’t know how to stop myself from caring or feeling these intense emotions for others.
I am often judged by people because they all think “ah look Sam’s crying again, what could it be this time?” “She is so weak”, “Why does she care, she doesn’t even know them, why can’t she just suck it up?” these are things I hear a lot.
It not only affects me, but it effects my work life, people start to take you less and less seriously, it effects friendships, because let’s be honest, you don’t want to be around someone who is always crying. Luckily I don’t think it has affected my marriage because my husband knows me inside out and he sees first-hand what I go through and he loves me for it, so I am lucky in that regard. We usually have a good laugh about it, even while I am crying because there was a sad song in the radio or something ridiculous. I mean who can cry and laugh at the same time?? I always say I have a crying disorder that has not yet been discovered, and sometimes it gets so bad I think it must be true; there must be something wrong with me that makes me cry so much. It’s a roller coaster that I can’t seem to get off.
But with everything in life I try and see the silver lining, as much as being so emotional is a curse, it can also be a blessing.
Not only do I hurt for others but I also feel intense joy for others too. When I see my friends and family happy, getting married, having babies, reaching goals I feel like I am right there with them and that’s fills me up with immense happiness and joy. When I see people lending a helpful hand to someone in need, I feel like I am going to explode with happiness
I see how there are so many other people trying to make a difference in the word and I begin to feel less alone. It feels like this big task of saving the world gets a little smaller and maybe one day we will be able to save everyone. Miracles have happened before J and that’s what I have to lean on.
HOPE.
Hope to get me through the day when I feel like I can’t do it anymore. Hope in my God that he will work all these heart breaking things out for good. Hope that one day the world will change and hope that I will be able to help people and be a servant.
I have come to the realization that this might be my cross to bear.
I KNOW for a fact that Gods purpose for me is to help and be a blessing to others. He never said it would be easy and he never said it would happen overnight, so I try to live with the faith in my God that he will eventually give me the strength I need to be able to help others without letting it break me. That I will eventually be able to do this full time. This is how God made me, wonderfully in his image. If this is my cross to bear in life I will carry it will pride. We are not all made to be the same, we are made differently for different purposes, God made me super-duper emotional and compassionate for other. This has led me to do my best to make people feel love and appreciated and make them understand that they are not invisible. I don’t have the money to be able to help everyone that I would like to, but I have the heart.
I hope that in being this way I cannot push others away but that I can influence them to do the same in a way that is unique and comfortable for them. If that means just donating money to a charity, or giving a beggar the bottle of water that’s lying in their car then that’s good enough for me. It doesn’t matter what it is, how big or small let’s just strive to be more understanding and compassionate, and accept our unique differences.
Just like I cry a lot, there are also people who struggle to cry at all, and I am sure they have people in their lives who can’t understand why they don’t show emotion or cry, or get over joyed or jump up and down like a crazy person.
‘What’s wrong with them don’t they care?’ ‘Why are they so stuck up?” “They must think they are better than everyone else.”
I am convinced that they do care and that is just how God made them. Maybe God turned the emotional tap a little down so that they are able to go into the places and help people that I would never be able to?
So are you seeing the point I am trying to make here?
We are all built differently in Gods image, so next time you want to jump to your own conclusions about how YOU feel others should or shouldn’t be just STOP. Remember there is a reason why people are the way they are. Try to understand that person a little bit better, before writing them off completely or making your own judgements, this will only stop you from learning, growing and experiences the awesomeness and the uniqueness of others.
Believe me, I don’t want to be surrounded by people who are exactly like me, no thanks, I like a little variety in my life.
A little love and compassion goes along way in this world.
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
P.S After writing this blog my Aunt told me that in actual fact I am an empath, after reading up about it, I have managed to find some peace in knowing that I am not alone, I am not crazy and that there are so many of us in the world going through the same thing. If you relate to some of the things I said do some research on being an empath, there are some link below to help you get started. You are not alone.
Follow my blog for more:
https://sammisaysblog.wordpress.com/2016/10/17/its-not-me-its-you-the-life-of-an-empath/
http://themindunleashed.com/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
http://boforbes.com/yoga-practice-lab/blog/feel-pain-empaths-guide-staying-balanced/
TIPS FOR AN EMPATH:
- do not read any billboards on the side of the road.
- Do not listen to the news or read the paper or the You magazine
- Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who are sensitive to your gifts and who can guide you and not judge you
- Make boundries
- Get enough sleep and eat enough real food
- Realise that being you is unique and a gift.
