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Content warning: explicit description of rape, triggering, and rape jokes.
I would like you to know what happens to me when you joke about rape.
Over the past seven years, I have grappled with the trauma of having been raped. I have come to understand that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), so certain things that remind me of my rape – called ‘triggers’ – force me to mentally re-live my rape.
Some of my triggers are random and difficult to avoid. For example, I’m often triggered by the layout of a bedroom if it is similar to that of the room in which I was raped. I can also be triggered if I read or hear descriptions of rape.
In those cases, triggering is manageable: thanks to the psychological help I’ve received, I have strategies in place that help me calm down. But in some cases, managing the trauma is nearly impossible. The worst trigger for me – by far – is hearing or reading a rape joke.
The response I receive when I call people out for making rape jokes is invariably, “But it’s not meant to be taken seriously!” – as if I’m simply being oversensitive about the biggest trauma of my life – and, “But I have freedom of speech!”
The freedom-of-speech argument is the oddest, for me. Freedom of expression is undoubtedly important because it allows us to hold people and groups – like the government and commercial organizations – accountable. It is important because it protects people from being arrested for their opinions and beliefs. Freedom of expression is important in fighting against oppression.
Rape jokes do not do these things. You have a right to joke about rape, but that doesn’t make it right to do so.
For me, it’s kind of a non-question. On the one hand, you have a joke. On the other hand, you have my psychological health – and that of others. Hmm.
A big reason why people don’t realise how horrible this weigh-up is, is because they don’t understand exactly how rape jokes affect people who have had that experience. For this reason, I’d like to invite you to feel what happens to me when you joke about my trauma.
In my mind, it feels as if I am alone in a cinema, and you turn on a movie. In this movie I see myself being violated over and over again. I see his face. I hear him grunt. I see myself – my younger, more vulnerable self – feel a pain that comes ripping through my body.
Sometimes, it feels so real that it takes all the energy I can muster to prevent myself from thrashing and physically screaming out in agony.
I cannot move from my seat. I cannot cover my eyes. You are forcing me to re-experience something that I’m desperately trying to manage in my own time.
My body has a reaction to this that I cannot control. Do you have any idea how it is to lose control over your body as a reaction to being reminded about how someone took control of your body without your consent?
While the reaction varies, some responses are nearly always present: I begin shaking, I am unable to breathe, and I burst into tears – something I hate doing in public.
My recovery will be set back for a bit, but what’s a few weeks when I’ve been in pain for seven years? I will be unable to function for a day, maybe two. I will have nightmares, and I will wake up screaming and sweating. You, however, will get to laugh for a few seconds.
If you’re one of those people who defend rape jokes, understand this: when you make a rape joke, you sentence me to the cold, noisy corners of my mind for the rest of the day. When you wield that sort of power over someone, the price of your freedom of speech is my silence.
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I would like you to know what happens to me when you joke about rape.
Over the past seven years, I have grappled with the trauma of having been raped. I have come to understand that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), so certain things that remind me of my rape – called ‘triggers’ – force me to mentally re-live my rape.
Some of my triggers are random and difficult to avoid. For example, I’m often triggered by the layout of a bedroom if it is similar to that of the room in which I was raped. I can also be triggered if I read or hear descriptions of rape.
In those cases, triggering is manageable: thanks to the psychological help I’ve received, I have strategies in place that help me calm down. But in some cases, managing the trauma is nearly impossible. The worst trigger for me – by far – is hearing or reading a rape joke.
The response I receive when I call people out for making rape jokes is invariably, “But it’s not meant to be taken seriously!” – as if I’m simply being oversensitive about the biggest trauma of my life – and, “But I have freedom of speech!”
The freedom-of-speech argument is the oddest, for me. Freedom of expression is undoubtedly important because it allows us to hold people and groups – like the government and commercial organizations – accountable. It is important because it protects people from being arrested for their opinions and beliefs. Freedom of expression is important in fighting against oppression.
Rape jokes do not do these things. You have a right to joke about rape, but that doesn’t make it right to do so.
For me, it’s kind of a non-question. On the one hand, you have a joke. On the other hand, you have my psychological health – and that of others. Hmm.
A big reason why people don’t realise how horrible this weigh-up is, is because they don’t understand exactly how rape jokes affect people who have had that experience. For this reason, I’d like to invite you to feel what happens to me when you joke about my trauma.
In my mind, it feels as if I am alone in a cinema, and you turn on a movie. In this movie I see myself being violated over and over again. I see his face. I hear him grunt. I see myself – my younger, more vulnerable self – feel a pain that comes ripping through my body.
Sometimes, it feels so real that it takes all the energy I can muster to prevent myself from thrashing and physically screaming out in agony.
I cannot move from my seat. I cannot cover my eyes. You are forcing me to re-experience something that I’m desperately trying to manage in my own time.
My body has a reaction to this that I cannot control. Do you have any idea how it is to lose control over your body as a reaction to being reminded about how someone took control of your body without your consent?
While the reaction varies, some responses are nearly always present: I begin shaking, I am unable to breathe, and I burst into tears – something I hate doing in public.
My recovery will be set back for a bit, but what’s a few weeks when I’ve been in pain for seven years? I will be unable to function for a day, maybe two. I will have nightmares, and I will wake up screaming and sweating. You, however, will get to laugh for a few seconds.
If you’re one of those people who defend rape jokes, understand this: when you make a rape joke, you sentence me to the cold, noisy corners of my mind for the rest of the day. When you wield that sort of power over someone, the price of your freedom of speech is my silence.
Follow Sian on Twitter
Follow Women24 on Twitter or like us on Facebook.
