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I had one already, when I was a stupid child of seventeen marrying someone before I even could understand the difference between love and hormones.
I’m now an adult woman marrying someone because we really are in love, and we are also pretty much married anyway.
We’re entirely devoted to each other, we’re about to buy a house, and in many ways, marriage is just something that translates better than trying to explain our relationship to people.
Like marriages, weddings can be the most wonderful things. Like marriages, they can also be awful, and there are some awful things about them. For example,
Almost all wedding traditions are either sexist, or religious, or both
Wedding vows are so sweet, right? Especially the way the most famously traditional ones originally had the man pledge to love his wife while the woman pledged to obey her husband. And the way they’re all about getting God’s permission to get married.
Yeah.
My fiancé and I are atheists. We’re also feminists. I love traditions, but there are so many of them we just won’t have at our wedding because it would be dishonest to do something that symbolises faith in a god we don’t believe exists. We even tried to look up wedding traditions from pre-Christian cultures that our ancestors belonged to, such as Celtic and Viking. They’re just as religious, if not more so.
It’s also irritating to realise how many traditions have inherent sexism in them, even traditions as simple and seemingly nice as engagement rings. It makes sense. Marriage was once a contract where men offered women financial security in exchange for sex. But since we’re both financially secure, and we both enjoy sex, that’s not what my fiancé and I are going for. (And, Needless to say, I won’t be wearing a white dress.)
Even the way people assume my fiancé proposed (he didn’t propose – we were talking about it and decided to get married together) and that the wedding planning is all about what I want (because only brides care about their weddings, apparently) is horribly, horribly sexist. This isn’t my wedding, this is our wedding, but my fiancé’s wants and wishes are all but ignored as people stampede to hear what I plan.
Weddings have become a financial nightmare
I recently saw a pamphlet advertising loans for weddings. Actual loans for actual weddings. Can you imagine? You’re about to start your life together, and how do you celebrate it? By getting yourself into a huge load of debt. Enjoy your happily ever after.
I can see why people find it necessary to take out a loan though. Have you ever gone into a florist’s shop and told them you’re getting married? Their eyes light up and they get these little dollar signs in the centre of them. I’m not exaggerating – this really happens. Little dollar signs, even though we don’t have dollars here, we have rands. It’s dollars, you see, because you need a larger currency than our puny South African one to afford flowers at your wedding.
Weddings just aren't about two people in love, they’re about everyone else
A wedding isn't just for the sake of the lovers involved - it’s a public declaration of love. You’re telling your friends, your family, and your community, that you love each other. So yes, a wedding isn't just about you, it’s your friends, your family, and your community.
Some people can be a little bit too entitled to weddings that aren't even theirs, though. Ask any bride what it’s like to deal with people who have Opinions about what you should and should not do and have at your wedding, and you’re in for some major ranting. Suddenly it’s not about who you want to invite to your wedding, it’s who you must have.
It doesn't matter who you want to make your bridesmaids or maid of honour, it’s who you owe the honour to. It doesn't matter what you want to eat, or wear, or the decorations you want, it’s what’s traditional and what you must have. It’s not what you believe - it’s what’ll please your family. It might be your wedding, but that doesn't mean it’s about you.
The thing is, people get excited about a wedding, and there’s nothing wrong with that. They want to give you advice and help you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it can be a bit overwhelming, and the thought of upsetting or insulting people because you shot down their idea or didn't make them a member or the right member of the wedding party is absolutely terrifying.
Still, this last thing that sucks about weddings isn't all bad. It is nice to celebrate something this big with friends and family, and I’m lucky enough to have the right people in my life who won’t try to force what they want onto me, or get deeply offended over something petty.
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