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10 signs that your relationship is going nowhere

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It’s aimed at all the people (both men and women) who have visions of weddings, families, an array of pets and suburban bliss (though few would admit it openly).

But you need to know what you’re looking for and where you are likely to find it. If you’re looking for lingerie, you don’t go to a hardware store,and if you’re looking for a hammer you won’t it at a jewellery store.

And yet people do this all the time.

They pick someone up in a club or a bar at 3am and then have high hopes they’re going to change this bar-hopper into their committed suburban dream.  (Of course, it does happen, but it’s rare).

It’s like trying to load 10 tons of sand onto a two-ton bakkie. Some people are just not made to fit into your dreams and nothing you do can change that. So, don’t waste your time.

But things are not always that obvious. You might be cruising along for years in a relationship that could slowly be going nowhere.

If that’s what you’re looking for, that’s fine. But if it’s not, here are some of the warning signs that your relationship is on a one-way ticket to nowhere:

He tells other people important things before he tells you. You find out from his best friend that he was given an award at work, or that he has put in an offer on a flat. You only find out two days later that his mother is seriously ill, or that the bank bounced one of his cheques.

He doesn’t take you home to his family often. Not everyone gets on with their families, but if you get the idea that he is avoiding putting you all in the same room, or that he turns down invitations from them to which you are also invited, it’s time to smell a rat. Also, he might never invite them over when you are there. He might not see you as a long-term part of his life in which it is worth investing family energy and time.

He is planning a holiday – and you’re not included. This is devastating, as having fun together is one of the best things about being a couple. OK, you might not want to go on a surfing trip to Bali with his friends, but it would be nice to be told about it. And to have some alternative holiday planned just for the two of you.

He job-hops and isn’t concerned about finances. This could be a general sign of a lack of commitment on his part. And it’s not just to the job – it is also to you and to himself. Because if he has another job every three months, and always fights with his new ‘difficult’ boss, it means you are always carrying the can financially. It’s fine for a while, but when it stretches into months and years it can get tedious. Very tedious.

He avoids all talk of the future, especially if it’s about weddings and kids. He squirms whenever the topic is raised. He might go as far as saying he doesn’t think those things are for him, and that he doesn’t particularly like kids. He’s trying to warn you – take your things and move on if those are the things you want. If you do manage to force him into something, you will be held responsible for everything for the next 40 years. Don’t go there. It’s actually a lot better being on your own than being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

He makes new friends you’re not introduced to. We all have lives outside of our relationships: you wouldn’t want him to always tag along when you’re having coffee with your best friend. But if he makes a new circle of friends to whom you are not introduced, it could be a sign that he is starting to establish a life without you. If you’re always organising your social life, stop doing it, and see if he notices and does something about it. If not, the signal is clear.

He avoids spending too much time alone with you. It used to be special – just the two of you. But you get the feeling it makes him edgy if there aren’t others around. He fidgets and displays signs of discomfort. This romance isn’t going anywhere.

He forgets that he promised to take you out. You wait and wait and he has forgotten that he invited you to the movies or out to dinner. You’re all dressed up and he’s still in his work clothes when he arrives. Bad sign.

You phone him in a real crisis – and he says he is busy. People who are in love will drop everything to rush to the assistance of their loved one. If he doesn’t, it’s his way of telling you that you are not number one on his priority list and that you cannot rely on his unconditional support.

He borrows money and never pays you back. He might just be lacking in self-respect, but he certainly doesn’t care enough whether you respect him, or not.

So what if you recognise the signs? It’s tough, but it might be time to move on. You are not going to succeed in changing this man into the type of person who is committed to you and to a future together. Don’t waste your time looking for a chocolate cream doughnut in a health store. Or for a tofu salad at the fast-food burger joint.

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