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So you’ve laid the foundation with your partner, gotten their buy in to discuss a few tweaks and improvements to your bedroom time and you’ve set a date and time at which you will be able to sit down and discuss this uninterrupted.
Hopefully that date and time is at least a week or two away, because what you have to do next is prepare.
While you may think that a week (or two) seems like a lot of time for preparation, because obviously you already have an idea what you want, you may find that it’s actually too little time.
This is because the more you start thinking about all the stuff, the more you’re going to find your self fluctuating and changing your mind about what actually does (and doesn’t) turn you on.
Here are a few things to think about in preparation for the big talk.
Start somewhere
As with any goal or process it’s not as important where you start, as it is important that you start in the first place. So start anywhere, maybe by looking at things that you already understand or turn you on.
If you’re visual and that way inclined, search for pictures and movies, search the Internet and forums for content where you’re likely to get real-life experiences firsthand from people who’ve actually done what you’re interested in or use a website to explore the available options and see additional information from sex and relationship coaches, counselors and therapists.
One way to manage this is to keep a notebook with you over the next while, because it always helps us to put our thoughts down into a safe place where we can back and reference them at any point.
Perhaps you use a page per fetish or kink that interests you, with two columns on each page, one for pros and one for cons.
The reason that a process like this works so well is that it gives you enough space to go back and add extra points that you think of in the following days, and believe me you will think of extra points… many of them.
In fact you can expect your attraction and repulsion towards certain kinks and fetishes to fluctuate heavily over the time you spend thinking about them, often reaching absolute extremes. Likewise you may find that things you thought you’d never try or even want to try become appealing after you see a play or even just a picture.
This process will continue to happen over time as you delve further into your exploration of kink – it’s a pretty natural evolution actually, so don’t think any less of yourself.
What resists persists
Speaking of stuff that repels you… that should also be a trigger for you to take a deeper look.
You know how when you met your partner there was thing about them that you just adored and loved and found so appealing and cute… and now it irritates you senseless?
Well our minds tend to work like that with a lot of things; it’s called mismatching. Sometimes the way you get attracted to something is by noticing it as repellant at first, and often you’ll hear from people who are deeply into a kink or fetish that it totally repelled or just plain made no sense to them in beginning.
Remember this is not a defining list of what you expect or are going to introduce into your relationship… what you intend to achieve here is an exploration of what works for you before you go in and talk to your partner.
On that note…
Don’t knock it until you try it
You know how you hated vegetables when you were a kid and then one day you ate them and discovered that well, actually, you really kind of like them? The same process applies.
Very often when we judge or reject an idea or concept it’s because we don’t understand enough about it – the same applies to the intolerance we have of other races, cultures, religions and in general, people.
Trying something doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be totally immersed in an experience you believe you dislike, it just means being open to hearing about it, speaking about, learning about differing points of view.
What’s important is that you keep in mind that this part of your journey is a huge adventure and exploration and you’re here to test the water and try new things so that you can have a broader experience and base of knowledge to call on.
Dip your toe in, test the water, take yourself outside your comfort zone and into something new… it will expand your boundaries, broaden your horizons and potentially give you and your relationship a new lease on life.
