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Depression over one’s own singleness is unfortunately all too common, and there’s little wonder why.
From heroes “getting the girl” to princesses getting married “and living happily ever after”, relationships and sex are often treated, by our stories, as some sort of ultimate victory – or the prize that you get at the end of a long battle.
When trying to insult someone, it’s not unusual for people to insinuate that their target is single, or a virgin, or simply not having a great deal of sex, and therefore less worthy.
Meanwhile, any single person can expect quite a lot of interference in their personal life, from constant questioning about when they’re planning to “settle down” and unsolicited advice on how to attract a lover, to attempts at setting them up with any other single people who happen to be around.
It’s almost like there’s this strong desire to have all the single people safely coupled off before they cause too much damage.
Of course, once you actually are in a relationship, that’s only the first step. Then the question is when you’re planning to get married. After that, when are you planning to have children?
You’d think, with 7 billion people in the world, society would relax on the putting pressure on people to reproduce thing, but it really doesn’t seem to have.
Sex, love, marriage, children. If you don’t, sooner or later, share all of these things with one person, you fail at life – at least that’s what many seem to believe.
I find it all so strange.
Don’t get me wrong, all of these things are – or can be – wonderful, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs them, or those who don’t have them are somehow more successful or worthy or better or even happier than those who don’t.
I have a friend who never wants children. She’s my dearest friend, and one of the most nurturing and lovely people I know. When someone is sick, or hurt, or just needs a bit of kindness, she’s there. And it’s not as if she hates children. She’s always buying random little presents for her nieces and nephews, and she adores them. She just doesn’t want any children of her own.
And because of that, my friend has more time for other things. She can focus on her career, and her hobbies, but most of all, she has more time and energy and love for her friends than most parents ever could manage for theirs.
I have another friend, a brilliant man, who is simply uninterested in a relationship. Relationships are time-consuming, and demanding, and he prefers focussing on his work, his studies, his hobbies, and his friends.
And while I’m happily in a relationship myself, I’ve been really happy while single as well.
It helped that I sat down one day, after a difficult break-up, and came to terms with the reality that not everyone does find that someone to grow old with, and even if you do, there’s a strong chance of that person dying years, even decades before you do.
I imagined wasting decades wishing I was with someone, and then wasting decades more missing someone who had died or left. I thought of those who are in relationships who miss the freedom and the time they had when they were single.
It wasn’t too hard, from there, to realize how amazing being single can be. I had more time for friends, for pursuing my own interests, for my hobbies and my career. That time was invaluable to me, and there’s so much I was able to learn, to focus on, and to experience, that I couldn’t hope to have the time for now.
I know this message has been sent out before, but I want to send it out again:
Stop trying to pressure people who are not in relationships to be in them.
Stop trying to act like not being in a relationship is some sort of failure.
And if you’re single, enjoy it. Really enjoy it. There’s so much you could be doing instead of moping over not finding the right person yet – do it.
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