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How to date a goddamn feminist

It’s one of the weirdest questions I’ve ever heard, but it’s one that every straight male gets asked at some point in their life, usually after one too many beers: are you an ass man, a boobs man or a leg man?

Well now. My knee-jerk response to this is, but aren’t we all just vagina men? A woman could have the most stunning butt, boobs and legs in the world, but let’s be honest – if even a mediocre vagina wasn’t part of the package, that would pretty much be a deal breaker for all of us.

So yes, if we have to mentally break down a woman’s physical form into small, micro-manageable wet chunks and choose a favourite, I’d say the vagina wins, hands down, all the time. It’s a no-brainer answer to a brainless question.

Which brings me to the body’s biggest erogenous zone and my favourite part of a woman – or anyone for that matter. At the risk of sounding extremely pompous, I’d have to say (if we can take the vagina for granted for a second) that I’m a brain man. I’m not even sure if that is a thing, but it sounds cool so I’m sticking with it.
So because I’m attracted to intelligent woman who aren’t shy about sharing their opinions, I always seem to end up dating a goddamn feminist.

Now I’m not saying that ALL feminists are clever. It stands to reason that there must be at least some pretty stupid goddamn feminists out there. It’s just that I’ve never met them – and if I ever did, I discovered they were stupid two minutes into the conversation and suddenly realised I had to be somewhere else. They COULD have been feminists – the conversation just never got that far.

And I’m not saying all non-feminists are stupid. Of course not. For example, I once met a guy with a PhD in Zoology who believed the universe was created in six days five thousand years ago by an all-powerful homophobe. So clearly, anything is possible.

All relationships have their difficulties, no matter whether your partner is a feminist or normal. But with feminists, you have to tread especially carefully, because it’s extremely likely that they’ve thought about things and have actually read a freaking book at some point in their lives.

Firstly, you’re going to have to put up with a whole lot of equality bullshit. For example, feminists don’t automatically expect their partners to pay for everything. Sometimes she’ll want to go Dutch, and sometimes she’ll even offer to treat you.

This is clearly a sly and insidious attack on your manhood, but being goddamn feminists, they’re clever enough to know that they’ll get away with it, because misandrist laws have made it illegal to punch her in the throat. You’ll just have to suck it up.

Then there’s the communication problem – namely, that there’s way too much of it. As a rule of thumb, feminist girlfriends are least likely to shut up when their partners tell them to. This means that even if you are with friends, she’ll call you out on anything you say that she thinks is wrong or dumb. And because she’s clever, chances are this will happen a lot.

Your best tactic is to try listening to her point of view. Kidding! Just pretend to agree with her and then make pointy devil horns behind her head. Everyone will think you’re super cool.

Finally, there’s the sex. Most feminist girlfriends will admit to the fact that they like sex just as much as men do. In other words, they’re all filthy, dirty sluts. Sometimes they’ll even initiate sex. The advantage of this is that afterwards you can take pleasure in reminding them that sometimes, women DO ask for it.

Follow Chris on Twitter.
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