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Everything was all peachy keen - until I fell in love with The Girl.
This girl had it all going on. She wore her hair in a deliberately fiery shade of red, and argued with me about film and politics. Everything about her was colourful and vibrant.
When she whispered in my husband’s ear “I bet she's an awesome kisser”, I felt like my world had shifted on its axis. It quickly became a lot more than just a casual fling - at least for me - but within three months it was all more or less over.
Though I might never know exactly what our relationship meant to her (we no longer speak), I knew with an uncanny certainty that this girl was going to change everything for me. In a flash I understood something about myself I had never understood before.
I was definitely not heterosexual.
I was 27 years old. It was the first time I had ever been in love with a woman. Though I had no trouble with the concept of homosexuality (by that time I had already become aware of the fact that my husband was bisexual), I had never associated that identity with myself. I knew I was at least a little bicurious, but certainly never before had it been enough to call myself anything other than straight.
This knowledge gave rise to a series of profoundly unsettling questions about who I was and what else there might be about myself that I never knew.
The intervening five years has led to what I might call an expansion of consciousness.
I still don't have all the answers I was looking for, but there are a few labels that I feel comfortable with in relation to myself.
I might say I'm a "pansexual" - a term I define as meaning that I am attracted to all genders. I might also say I am "polyamorous" - meaning that I am able to have more than one loving, committed relationship at the same time. I'm certainly somewhat "gender non-conforming".
This has made it a little easier to relate to others in the LGBTQIA spectrum. But it's still an imperfect fit.
Since South African law only makes provision for men to marry multiple spouses (yay sexism!), I'm not able to marry my second partner - a quietly defiant, individualist trans-woman we'll call Tank Girl.
Tank girl is a lesbian with a passion for lacy underwear, piercings and survivalism. Her accomplishments include blade-smithing, hitch-hiking between Cape Town and Johannesburg, and software development.
Being with The Boy and Tank Girl has been a study in the invisible the prejudices against bisexual- and trans-people, and surprisingly often those prejudices have come from within the community:
"Trans people need to lighten up. They will alienate our straight allies.”
“Bisexuals who have heterosexual relationships are really straight, and will break your heart.”
“Bisexuals are too cowardly to admit they are gay. They don't want to lose their heterosexual privilege.”
“Trans-people are all messed up. It's a bad idea to date one.”
“Dating a trans-person means you aren't a really gay or bisexual.”
“If a trans person is gay, why do they even bother transitioning?”
“Bisexuals must be confused about their orientation if they date trans people.”
The above is only a selection of the sometimes crushingly inappropriate comments made by not only our straight friends, but our gay ones.
Despite the fact that trans and bisexual identities have been under the big rainbow umbrella for decades, we still face a lot of ignorance.
Researchers from University of Utah have published data from a longitudinal study that shows that contrary to popular belief, women do not typically have stable sexual orientations in the LGBTQI community. Two thirds of women who have identified themselves as having loved women, change their identity labels over a period of 10 years – and most of them choose to leave behind strict categories like bisexual, lesbian or heterosexual in favour of being “unlabeled”.
And when I think about that, I know that Tank Girl, The Boy and I would much more prefer to be “unlabeled”. Maybe that is because we want to escape the prejudices that those labels carry. Maybe it is because we just want room to breathe and be ourselves.
All I know is that there is a reason why for decades now the rainbow colours of the Pride March have been associated with the triumphant anthem from the Broadway musical La Cage aux Folles.
It is in that spirit that I wish you all a very happy Pride, and may you all be able to shout out loud “I am what I am!”
