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Why we all need to stop victim blaming Janay Rice and blame her abuser

When I was a kid, I thought domestic violence was normal. I knew it was wrong, but I thought all Daddies hit Mommies because that’s what mine did. I witnessed my mother being abused often. And it wasn’t just physical. My father wanted to control her. He wanted to know where she was at all times. Wanted to tell her how to dress. How to wear her makeup.

If she laughed at her male colleague’s jokes she was immediately accused of having an affair with him (in fact, he accused her of this for most of their marriage. And, no, it wasn’t true). He loved my mother like she was a possession and he was the only one who could have her.

The abuse my mother endured for more than 30 years was emotional, verbal, mental and physical. There were weeks when she would have to cover her bruised face with makeup after being beaten bloody because she answered in the wrong way.

She had tea cups flung at her head because she asked my father to come have supper with the family and he was in a bad mood. She was called a bitch for defending herself and sworn at when one of us kids was “disobedient”.

I was a witness to abuse for most of my life. I’ve seen what it does, and I’ve had many conversations with my mother about her abuse since my father’s death. So when I heard about the story of Janay and Ray Rice, I felt a lot of different feelings.

Ray Rice is an American Football player who has been suspended from the NFL indefinitely after a video of Ray hitting his then-fiancee and now wife, Janay, in a casino elevator was leaked by TMZ.

The incident occurred back in February, but social media flared up again after the video was leaked showing what happened inside the elevator. The #whyIstayed and #whyIleft hashtags were started in the wake of the incident with abuse survivors telling the stories of how they got out of abusive relationships.

The story still felt bitter sweet to me, but at least there was awareness being spread. Even the White House released an official statement about it. But the victim blaming/shaming still bothered me. People asking why Janay stayed with him. Why did she married him a month later? Why she didn’t get out and move on? I’ll tell you why.

Because she can’t. She can’t see herself with anyone else. She can’t find the strength to leave. She doesn’t understand why the world thinks they have the right to tell her what to do with her marriage. And she’s right. We don’t. Because telling her how stupid she is to stay in an abusive relationship is going to make her cling to her abuser that much more.

You see, what a lot of people don’t understand is that you can’t just separate the good and the bad in someone. Especially not when it’s someone you love. Ray might be horribly abusive. Or he might have only hit her that once. He could say the most horrible things to her and make her feel like less of a person, but he could also be a wonderful father to their daughter Rayven. Maybe he buys her flowers just because. Tells her he loves her when she doesn’t expect it. Tells her that she’s the only woman in the world for him.

And why isn’t anyone asking why Ray hits her? Why doesn’t anyone suggest that he has anger issues that he needs to work on? Why are less people suggesting that he is a monster for abusing the woman he loves than there are people who are blaming her for his abuse?

Janay Rice has commented on the incident and the media frenzy surrounding it on her Instagram account. The account is private, but screenshots of Janay’s post have been shared across several social media sites.

Janay has chosen to stand by her husband with this statement. The statement which says “we regret” that moment. Which shows self blame on her part. She knows that it was wrong, but thinks it was her fault. Yet another symptom of her abusive relationship. They’ll “show the world what real love is”, but in the now infamous video Ray didn’t seem like a man in love. Like all abusers, he was ashamed of his abuse, so he waited until they were in the elevator to hit her.

He didn’t seem surprised or concerned when she hit the rail with such force that her head actually bounced off of it. It looked like just another thing he had to do when he dragged her unconscious body halfway out of the elevator and left her lying in the doorway with her skirt riding up and her shoes falling off.

He then propped her up when she finally regained consciousness, but seemed somehow annoyed by it all. He stood to one side when a security guard made sure Janay was okay, and when a stranger came to comfort her before helping her off the floor.

Maybe someone needs to show Janay this video. Maybe she needs to see it the same way the rest of the world has. Maybe then she’ll find the strength to get out. Maybe then she’ll realise that “real love” doesn’t come with fear and bruises.

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