Coming to terms with losing my father

I imagine myself taking a stroll with the old man, side by side, in the quiet woodlands.

He wears a crisp white shirt and what appears to be blue pants that are neatly ironed, yet I cannot make out which shoes he's wearing.

The trees stare attentively at us as we walk past them but he's too preoccupied with our conversation to notice them or their shadows stalking our every movement.

He asks me how we've all been and I tell him we've been fine to avoid worrying him by saying otherwise. I tell him that grandma passed on and he looks down without breathing a word.

After realizing how disturbed he suddenly is, I ask how he's been. Again, he doesn't answer me; instead he looks at me and asks me to give him more details about all that I've achieved.

Eager to impress him, I do not hesitate. He smiles for most of my rant and laughs where appropriate. Something about him is different and it concerns me that he isn't as jovial as he normally was.

It's as if he's burdened. He asks about my mother and brother.

I tell him how proud he'd be of his son and I am honest about all the shit the old lady has had to endure.

I notice the tears in his eyes at the mention of this, I notice how helpless he feels and immediately hold his left hand firmly.

As much as I want to, I dare not speak about his murder or the thoughts that were running through his mind at that moment. He suddenly stops. How I've dreaded this moment...

He can barely look at me as I breakdown. "I miss you", I say, as I beg him to stay a little longer. "there's so much you didn't get to witness, so many moments I've wished you'd shared with me.

It tears him apart to see me in that state. He holds me and waits for me to calm down.

"There were moments when I watched you make choices that made me worry about you. Moments when I was angry with myself for not being there to guide you.

You have grown, Paballo, and I worry about you no more. I'm proud of you. And I'm gonna need you to look after your mother and Kabelo.

You've doubted this before, but know that I am always with you. I love you." He  kisses me on the forehead, smiles and goes on his way. I stand there, watching as his silhouette drifts further and further away from sight.

That's when I accept that I may never see him again. And I'm ok with that just as long as I know that his soul is at peace...

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