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For many working mothers, the daily jungle becomes an act in true resilience, time management and multi-tasking.
The everyday stress of juggling life, work, motherhood, romantic and social relationships can be very taxing, especially for first time parents.
For the few that are lucky and can afford part-time or full time help at home, this brings its own pleasures and challenges.
For many, the help normally comes in the form of women joining one’s family to look after children and the entire household. This is can be on a live-in or part time basis and commonly referred to as the nanny or helper.
The helper or nanny is a key part of the family unit because she keeps the household in order, looks after the children and acts as a lifeline in ensuring that parents keep their sanity at home and at work.
After nearly 18 months of internal conflict, juggling many roles on a maximum of 4 hours sleep per night, I’d had one emotional outburst too many and got on the web to a nanny and join the cadre of women who have support at home.
All my friends with children, even ones without, had spent many months convincing me that that was the way to go or face the real threat of a major burnout.
After a long interview process, I finally found a suitable candidate. In no time she had integrated into our family unit and had become ‘indispensable’ to my toddler and me.
After a stressful week, I came home one Friday afternoon to find my daughter playing with the nanny.
To my absolute shock and bewilderment, my daughter was running around calling her “mama”. A few panicked phone calls to friends and a glass of wine later; I discovered what I have now come to call the ‘Nanny Envy Syndrome’.
So after consulting with women who have nannies, I’ve compiled a few symptoms to help identify the Nanny Envy Syndrome:
1. Anxiety at the real and perceived bond developing between you child and the person you pay to help you look after them.
2. Withdrawal and not managing the relationship with the said nanny almost to the point of neglecting any all tasks that would require contact with the nanny.
3. Recurring thoughts of wanting to terminate your relationship with the nanny. Some people, I discovered, even plot ways in which they will get rid of themselves the nanny. One friend even said that she had deliberately set up opportunities for the nanny to make mistakes so she can reprimanded her harshly.
4. Instant anger at self and her for being your child’s ‘go-to-person’ when needing comfort and soothing.
5. Feeling helpless when your child chooses her over you.
6. Faking appreciation and gratitude when the said nanny tries to show you your child’s favourite story book/toy/blanket/item of clothing etc.
7. Spurts of unjustified domination and domineering behavior to exert power and remind her of her position in the hierarchy of the household.
8. Lastly, accusing the nanny of coming to steal your ‘happy family’.
Instead of being appreciative, the ‘madam’ is angry and threatened at the new woman whom she has employed to be her right hand person in rearing her children.
Nannies are women who leave their children to come be of service to working mothers, yet bear the brunt of our anger and envy for roles, which we specifically employ them to occupy.
We place nannies in impossible positions where we explicitly say: “I don’t care if you don’t get the housework done, as long as you love my child and give them the best”.
Yet, when they do this very thing we ask them to do, we are threatened and treat them like ‘the other woman’.
So what is the remedy?
When you feel the onset of the abovementioned symptoms, may I suggest the following easy remedies:
- Physically (vs in your mind) pinch yourself and ask yourself the following questions: is this tantrum necessary? What am I doing to her being? Can I live with this little peeve for the greater good of the household?
- Take a 5 minute walk around the house or up and down the drive way to get some distance,
- As hard as this is, go apologise for any outburst and malicious words you’ve used, and lastly,
- Instead of being angry, learn to say thank you more often to her. Remember that she has sacrificed her own family to be with yours so that you can be and do what you want without worrying about the everyday running of the household.
Follow Rethabile Mashale on Twitter.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
The everyday stress of juggling life, work, motherhood, romantic and social relationships can be very taxing, especially for first time parents.
For the few that are lucky and can afford part-time or full time help at home, this brings its own pleasures and challenges.
For many, the help normally comes in the form of women joining one’s family to look after children and the entire household. This is can be on a live-in or part time basis and commonly referred to as the nanny or helper.
The helper or nanny is a key part of the family unit because she keeps the household in order, looks after the children and acts as a lifeline in ensuring that parents keep their sanity at home and at work.
After nearly 18 months of internal conflict, juggling many roles on a maximum of 4 hours sleep per night, I’d had one emotional outburst too many and got on the web to a nanny and join the cadre of women who have support at home.
All my friends with children, even ones without, had spent many months convincing me that that was the way to go or face the real threat of a major burnout.
After a long interview process, I finally found a suitable candidate. In no time she had integrated into our family unit and had become ‘indispensable’ to my toddler and me.
After a stressful week, I came home one Friday afternoon to find my daughter playing with the nanny.
To my absolute shock and bewilderment, my daughter was running around calling her “mama”. A few panicked phone calls to friends and a glass of wine later; I discovered what I have now come to call the ‘Nanny Envy Syndrome’.
So after consulting with women who have nannies, I’ve compiled a few symptoms to help identify the Nanny Envy Syndrome:
1. Anxiety at the real and perceived bond developing between you child and the person you pay to help you look after them.
2. Withdrawal and not managing the relationship with the said nanny almost to the point of neglecting any all tasks that would require contact with the nanny.
3. Recurring thoughts of wanting to terminate your relationship with the nanny. Some people, I discovered, even plot ways in which they will get rid of themselves the nanny. One friend even said that she had deliberately set up opportunities for the nanny to make mistakes so she can reprimanded her harshly.
4. Instant anger at self and her for being your child’s ‘go-to-person’ when needing comfort and soothing.
5. Feeling helpless when your child chooses her over you.
6. Faking appreciation and gratitude when the said nanny tries to show you your child’s favourite story book/toy/blanket/item of clothing etc.
7. Spurts of unjustified domination and domineering behavior to exert power and remind her of her position in the hierarchy of the household.
8. Lastly, accusing the nanny of coming to steal your ‘happy family’.
Instead of being appreciative, the ‘madam’ is angry and threatened at the new woman whom she has employed to be her right hand person in rearing her children.
Nannies are women who leave their children to come be of service to working mothers, yet bear the brunt of our anger and envy for roles, which we specifically employ them to occupy.
We place nannies in impossible positions where we explicitly say: “I don’t care if you don’t get the housework done, as long as you love my child and give them the best”.
Yet, when they do this very thing we ask them to do, we are threatened and treat them like ‘the other woman’.
So what is the remedy?
When you feel the onset of the abovementioned symptoms, may I suggest the following easy remedies:
- Physically (vs in your mind) pinch yourself and ask yourself the following questions: is this tantrum necessary? What am I doing to her being? Can I live with this little peeve for the greater good of the household?
- Take a 5 minute walk around the house or up and down the drive way to get some distance,
- As hard as this is, go apologise for any outburst and malicious words you’ve used, and lastly,
- Instead of being angry, learn to say thank you more often to her. Remember that she has sacrificed her own family to be with yours so that you can be and do what you want without worrying about the everyday running of the household.
Follow Rethabile Mashale on Twitter.
Follow Women24 on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
