Publications
Partners
Another day, another sexist joke on Facebook.
I've developed a habit of saying something when I see sexist, racist, homophobic or similar statements made by my friends.
It's an annoying habit, I'm sure, but no more annoying than the habit of posting crap that makes sweeping, prejudice statements about an entire group of people.
So I post a comment, pointing out the flaws in the joke's attempt at logic.
The response is so predictable, it's almost heartbreaking.
First, "don't take it so personally", "sorry if I offended" or similar. They're just having a laugh, you see. I need to realize it's funny.
In this example, I'm not supposed to take a statement that attacks all women personally. The male who posted the joke expects me to respond in a way that he considers "normal": amusement while not personally identifying with the people being attacked in the joke.
As the people being attacked in the joke are all women, this means he expects me to not identify as female. I must equip male eyes when I view this joke. That, to this man, is normal and good.
It is also suggested that, if I have taken the statement personally, this immediately nullifies my concerns as void.
Last, it ignores the fact that the only person who has taken things personally is the guy who is offended that a woman pointed out the flaw in his reasoning.
The second response: "lol feminists lol". Friends of this guy will immediately start posting anti-woman, anti-feminist pictures that discredit any woman who speaks up against sexism as irrational and hypocritical. This gives them an excuse to dismiss my comment.
Without knowing me from a bar of soap, they will immediately launch into an attack on my character, all the while guffawing and congratulating each other on how witty they're being.
It is also almost impossible for me to respond. If I ignore them, they've shut me up, which was the intention. If I say anything, they laugh louder, and make a big fuss about how much I don't have a sense of humour.
The thought that it's the fact that I have a sense of humour that makes me expect more from would-be comedians than the same old, tired, lame jokes that we've literally been hearing for hundreds of years doesn't occur to them.
These guys aren't bad people. Guaranteed a glance over their profiles suggest they're perfectly normal, generally amiable guys.
But it doesn't even for a moment occur to them that there's something wrong with attacking and slandering a woman they don't know just because she publicly stated an objection to sexism.
My friend, who posted the original statement, does not intervene. Instead, he laughs it off as funny and completely harmless.
No one, least of all my friend, is going to tell these guys to lay off me. If I keep responding to them for too long, though, I will be told to let it go, lighten up, ignore them, etc.
I've often had friends, good people, anti-sexists, tell me to stop talking about sexism when I'm experiencing it.
These people, who wouldn't even consider telling a friend off for sexism, will speak up when they feel a female friend of theirs is just going on about the sexism she's dealing with a little too much. That's their big cause.
The fact is, it's more socially acceptable to make a sexist statement than to call one out.
Plenty of guys think it's totally OK to make statements that attack women publicly in front of women. Women who respond with male gaze and laugh along with the guys about how stupid girls are heralded by these men as "honorary bros". They have lost the shame that is their femaleness.
Women who object to the statements being made about all women including them are silenced, shamed, given stern lectures about what they are and are not allowed to talk about, and their tones.
"Lighten up!" "You're over thinking this!" I hear these calls. I know they're coming in the comments.
Problem is, when a society wants to marginalize a group, they start with humour.
They create caricatures made up of a collection of flaws and, soon enough, they start to believe in them. Examples: The scary black man. The effeminate gay. The miserly Jew. The emotional woman. The angry feminist.
The fact is, this culture that discredits feminism and laughs off any complaints against treating women as lesser beings has lead to a huge problem.
As Soraya Chemaly of Huffington Post points out, the jokes against women have gotten more and more vicious until raping women is considered some sort of hilarious punchline. And I'm supposed to lighten up about this?
It's not serious. They're not being serious. It's just a joke! I'm told this all the time.
And then I see teenage boys laughing hysterically and joking about a rape as it's going on.
I sat and listened while a Stellenbosch student friend of my ex boasted to him about how he had just "fucked a slut that was too drunk to know what was going on". When I got upset, I was told to lighten up.
And then I see friends treating making a joke that damns and discredits all women as something harmless, but speaking out against it as something harmful that needs to be stopped immediately.
And I genuinely am struggling to understand how our culture got this fucked up.
The problem is not that I'm over thinking. The problem is we, as a society, are not thinking enough about the toxic habits that are poisoning us.
Follow Laura on Twitter.
Follow Women24 on Twitter or like us on Facebook.
I've developed a habit of saying something when I see sexist, racist, homophobic or similar statements made by my friends.
It's an annoying habit, I'm sure, but no more annoying than the habit of posting crap that makes sweeping, prejudice statements about an entire group of people.
So I post a comment, pointing out the flaws in the joke's attempt at logic.
The response is so predictable, it's almost heartbreaking.
First, "don't take it so personally", "sorry if I offended" or similar. They're just having a laugh, you see. I need to realize it's funny.
In this example, I'm not supposed to take a statement that attacks all women personally. The male who posted the joke expects me to respond in a way that he considers "normal": amusement while not personally identifying with the people being attacked in the joke.
As the people being attacked in the joke are all women, this means he expects me to not identify as female. I must equip male eyes when I view this joke. That, to this man, is normal and good.
It is also suggested that, if I have taken the statement personally, this immediately nullifies my concerns as void.
Last, it ignores the fact that the only person who has taken things personally is the guy who is offended that a woman pointed out the flaw in his reasoning.
The second response: "lol feminists lol". Friends of this guy will immediately start posting anti-woman, anti-feminist pictures that discredit any woman who speaks up against sexism as irrational and hypocritical. This gives them an excuse to dismiss my comment.
Without knowing me from a bar of soap, they will immediately launch into an attack on my character, all the while guffawing and congratulating each other on how witty they're being.
It is also almost impossible for me to respond. If I ignore them, they've shut me up, which was the intention. If I say anything, they laugh louder, and make a big fuss about how much I don't have a sense of humour.
The thought that it's the fact that I have a sense of humour that makes me expect more from would-be comedians than the same old, tired, lame jokes that we've literally been hearing for hundreds of years doesn't occur to them.
These guys aren't bad people. Guaranteed a glance over their profiles suggest they're perfectly normal, generally amiable guys.
But it doesn't even for a moment occur to them that there's something wrong with attacking and slandering a woman they don't know just because she publicly stated an objection to sexism.
My friend, who posted the original statement, does not intervene. Instead, he laughs it off as funny and completely harmless.
No one, least of all my friend, is going to tell these guys to lay off me. If I keep responding to them for too long, though, I will be told to let it go, lighten up, ignore them, etc.
I've often had friends, good people, anti-sexists, tell me to stop talking about sexism when I'm experiencing it.
These people, who wouldn't even consider telling a friend off for sexism, will speak up when they feel a female friend of theirs is just going on about the sexism she's dealing with a little too much. That's their big cause.
The fact is, it's more socially acceptable to make a sexist statement than to call one out.
Plenty of guys think it's totally OK to make statements that attack women publicly in front of women. Women who respond with male gaze and laugh along with the guys about how stupid girls are heralded by these men as "honorary bros". They have lost the shame that is their femaleness.
Women who object to the statements being made about all women including them are silenced, shamed, given stern lectures about what they are and are not allowed to talk about, and their tones.
"Lighten up!" "You're over thinking this!" I hear these calls. I know they're coming in the comments.
Problem is, when a society wants to marginalize a group, they start with humour.
They create caricatures made up of a collection of flaws and, soon enough, they start to believe in them. Examples: The scary black man. The effeminate gay. The miserly Jew. The emotional woman. The angry feminist.
The fact is, this culture that discredits feminism and laughs off any complaints against treating women as lesser beings has lead to a huge problem.
As Soraya Chemaly of Huffington Post points out, the jokes against women have gotten more and more vicious until raping women is considered some sort of hilarious punchline. And I'm supposed to lighten up about this?
It's not serious. They're not being serious. It's just a joke! I'm told this all the time.
And then I see teenage boys laughing hysterically and joking about a rape as it's going on.
I sat and listened while a Stellenbosch student friend of my ex boasted to him about how he had just "fucked a slut that was too drunk to know what was going on". When I got upset, I was told to lighten up.
And then I see friends treating making a joke that damns and discredits all women as something harmless, but speaking out against it as something harmful that needs to be stopped immediately.
And I genuinely am struggling to understand how our culture got this fucked up.
The problem is not that I'm over thinking. The problem is we, as a society, are not thinking enough about the toxic habits that are poisoning us.
Follow Laura on Twitter.
Follow Women24 on Twitter or like us on Facebook.
