Consumer Report

I grew up at a time when real men smelled of sweat, strong tobacco, and even stronger whiskey – a time when real men smelled of testosterone and male pheromones. They smelled like hell.

Real women smelled of heady perfumes, freshly baked bread, flowery fragrances, washing powder, and scented soaps. They smelled like heaven.

Real babies smelled like real babies. Well, most of the time. Sometimes, they smelled like sheet and sour milk.

The smells of heaven, and hell, and sheet, and sour milk – the primeval smells of the human race.

And it worked out quite well. Even in the dark – because of the person’s smell – you wouldn’t accidently try to grope someone of the “wrong” gender or age.

Aaah, the good old days…

Nowadays everything is PC. We live in a sexless, genderless, lessless, ageless, faceless, and godless society. Some men smell sexier than their wives and/or girlfriends and/or mistresses. And some modern-day women smell like the men of yesteryear – all testosterony, male pheromony, sweaty, strong tobaccohee, and even stronger whiskeyhee.

Even our babyhees are PC. Nowadays babies smell like vanilla, or coconut, or lavender, or strawberry. In other words: they smell like plants.

Lastly, there are those who have emerged from the closet, smelling like, well like a closet. But let’s not go there right now.

It would seem as if we are hell-bent on smelling like plants and fruit – trying our best to disguise our natural body odours. (What was her name again, Sakkie? That dirty woman? Maureen something-or-the-other?)

With this in mind, I’ve decided to do a consumer report on a couple of deodorants (for men) I found on the shelves at the shops: Mitchum’s Advanced Control, and Yardley’s You’re the Fire.

1. Mitchum

Alcohol Free, 48 hour Strength and Protection. Fresh.

Claims: Dermatologically Tested with Skin Conditioning Aloe & Vitamin E. Clinically tested to provide 48 hour wetness protection.

Test Results and Conclusions:

Initially I was quite confused. I couldn’t decide where on my old wrinkled body I should spray the deodorant aerosol. The last time I used anything containing “Aloe & Vitamin E,” was when I used Baby Soft Toilet Paper, which also contains these ingredients. So, to spare myself the embarrassment of spraying the wrong body part, I simply sprayed the stuff all over my entire body.

I then got under the shower, and opened the taps to max.

It immediately became clear the manufacturers of this product were less than truthful. They claim that the deodorant is “clinically tested to provide 48 hour wetness protection.”

Not so! I was completely soaked to the skin within seconds. Fail!

This product is indeed alcohol free. I emptied four canisters into a glass, added ice and water, and swallowed it in one go. Got in my car, drove around the block twice, and parked it back in the garage, without causing a serious accident. Pass!

Overall Impression:

Not a bad product. One Fail, and one Pass. Tip: remember to get undressed before getting under the shower.

2. Yardley

Before doing the actual testing and evaluation of this product, I chanced to see a list of the Ingredients, written on the container:

Alcohol Denat, Butane, Propane, Propylene Glycol, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone, Benzyl Benzoate, Cinnamyl Alcohol, Citral, Coumarin, Hydroxycitronellal, Limonene, Linalool, Evernia Furfuracea (Tree moss) Extract.

Now I don’t know about you, but this sounds like the shopping list of one of those crazy jihad towelheads who wants to go to the land of the 72 virgins.

There is just no way that I’m going to spray a Weapon of Mass Destruction on my body.

I’m much too young to die. Besides, I like smelling like hell.

Overall Impression:

Naah. Give it a miss.

THE END

Disclaimer:

Any similarity between me and that racist, homophobic bigot Irukandji, is purely coincidental. Scout’s honour…