Days of Our Li(v)es

Worldwide, it seems as if every day is a “Day” to be celebrated. Why do we, in the RSA, not have more of these “Days?”

(This article is written tongue firmly in cheek – both cheeks – at the same time. Try it. Makes you look silly, doesn’t it?)

Here in the Arse of Africa (RSA), we can afford to lose millions of workdays through strikes, riots, and stay-aways. It will not harm our shrinking economy in the least if we create some new indigenous Days.

I’ve looked at the World Days Calendar and found a few interesting Days:

Black Day – an informal South Korean tradition. On this day, single people get together and enjoy jajangmyeon. My comprehension of the Korean language is extremely poor, but jajangmyeon is probably the Korean word for hanky-panky. (Maybe Koreans are just too *soo joob uh ha neun to call it hanky-panky.)

White Day – celebrated in Japan, South Korea, Taiwan, and China; one month after St Valentine’s Day. This holiday, unfortunately, will not be allowed in South Africa due to our racist BEE and AA policies.

Día de la Chupina  – celebrated in Argentina. Students do not attend classes on this day. Fuelled by alcohol consumption, male students harass female students, break into shops to rob and steal merchandise, attack innocent bystanders, and trash private property. Clashes with the police always end in violence.

If we were to celebrate Día de la Chupina, no one would even take any notice – it would seem like just another day in the good old RSA – strikes, riots, harassment, rapes, and clashes with the corrupt, incompetent cops. In other words: business as usual.

Honesty Day – celebrated in the USA. On this day you may ask anyone a question, and the opposing person must give a truthful and straightforward answer. (On second thoughts: Let’s just skip this day. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine Mac Maharaj, or any of his corrupt communist ANC cronies, giving an honest answer to any question.) Finish and klaar.

Now here are some new Days, which I thought we could celebrate in South Africa:

Miracle Day. On this day, convicted fraudster Schabir Shaik was released from prison on the 3rd of March 2009. He was declared terminally ill, and sent home to die.

But, thanks to the miraculous healing powers of the game of golf (and his connection with our National Embarrassment), Shaik has recovered his health, and is still enjoying his freedom to this very day.

Burn a Tyre Day. Any day will do. This is a fun day for the whole family. Burn tyres, stone cars, rob the street vendors of their merchandise, destroy private property, smash shop windows, and generally behave like barbarians. It’s a “tradition” thing, you see?

Authenticate My Credentials and Qualifications Day, aka Pallo Jordan Day, aka Days of Our Lies. This day will be dedicated to all the struggling stalwarts and heroes of the corrupt ANC, with their fraudulent CV’s, who claim to have degrees, diplomas, doctorates, professorates, and all and all. In other words: most of them.

Disconnect My Illegal Electrical Connection Day. A fun day for all the squatters living in the Kasi. Task teams will visit their shacks and attempt to disconnect illegal connections to the grid. The squatters will retaliate by burning tyres, blocking access roads, stoning the task teams, and damaging passing cars. Great fun. Within hours after being disconnected, the illegal connections will be back in place, and everyone will be happy once again.

I Demand to Pay for My Service Delivery Day. Rioters, protesting over service delivery, will march on the Union Building and demand to pay their outstanding rates, and taxes, and water, and electricity. Unfortunately, should this ever happen, I shall suffer a heart attack and pass way from the shock. But I’m quite willing to make the sacrifice, for this, our “beloved” country.

Buy Your Own T-shirt and KFC Day. What can I say? This is such a novel idea. Twenty years of democracy and I still haven’t received a single free T-shirt or a piece of chicken. Maybe the powers that BEE are under the impression that whites suffer from vestiphobia and alektorophobia?

Find an Honest Cop Day. This should be an exhausting day for the public – a genuine “challenge.” Finding an honest cop is like finding a haystack in a needle – difficult, if not impossible. (I work with our local Community Policing Forum and have yet to come across an honest cop. From stealing office supplies at the station, to using official vehicles for unauthorized shopping trips, to taking bribes, they’re ALL doing it.)

Stay Awake in Parliament Day. OK. I realise that this is asking a bit much. So let’s just make it: Stay Awake in Parliament for Longer than Ten Minutes Day. And call it a day.

Count My Wives and Offspring Day. On this day, taxpayers are invited to the palaces, mansions, and compounds of the President, Ministers, and Kings of this godforsaken country. Their wives, mistresses, concubines, and offspring, will be counted and tallied in order to determine just how much of a burden they are on the taxpayer.

And then everyone will sing the local version of **Beasts of England, called: Nkosi Sukkel met i’Afrika, and go home.

At the End of the Day...

(Please leave comments for more Days you would like us to celebrate.)

*soo joob uh ha neun – Korean, meaning: bashful

**Beasts of England – from Animal Farm, by George Orwell:

Beasts of Mzansi, beasts of Nkandla,
Beasts of every informal settlement,
Hearken to my joyful tidings
Of the golden future time.
Soon or late the day is coming,
Tyrant Mhlungu shall be overthrown,
And the fruitful fields of his farms,
Shall be trod by pee pool alone.
Rings shall vanish from our noses,
And the harness from our back,
Bit and spur shall rust forever,
Cruel whips no more shall crack.
Riches more than mind can picture,
Wheat and barley, oats and hay,
Clover, beans, and putu pap
Shall be ours upon that day.
Bright will shine the fields of Mzansi,
Purer shall its waters be,
Sweeter yet shall blow its breezes
On the day that sets us free.
For that day we all must labour,
Though we die before it break;
Cows and horses, geese and turkeys,
All must toil for freedom's sake.
Beasts of Mzansi, beasts of Nkandla,
Beasts of every informal settlement,
Hearken well and spread my tidings
Of the golden future time.

Apologies to Mr. Orwell