View from the Cape

Hello, hello, hello all djou peoples! Dis is Gatiepie Djoumasamoosa, coming from de Cape Teown area, an’ I skeem is mos time I comment on de blerrie political situasin in dis country. All djou hear alla time is lies. I am going to tol’ you de trut’.

Firs’ of all, dere’s det fet frog what call hisself de President of dis country. He lies. Alla time, en about everyt’ing. I dirrin’t know about de Guptas, da’s  what he chaffs. He talks kak! Den he say fire dat ou, an’ den give him a lekker djob in Holland. Embessador? Embessador se moer! He is mos a ANC doos what lied for Zuma, det is all.

I dirrint ask for de upgrades to Nkandla; das what he say. I dirrint ask for a fet ugly wife, but I got her! He lies! He mos de President, he mus’ know! He’s mos like det American President what say de buck stop here. Da’s right: de buck stops in Zuma’s pocket, da’s where de buck stops.

Den dere’s Dr Pello Djordan. Doctor of what? Doctor of Bulls’it, da’s what!

An dat blerrie Hlaudi Motsoeneng, what lie abeout everyt’ing! Dey mos say, da’s not important. What is important is det he know heow to do his djob. He do his djob kak! De TV is kak, an’ me, I hasn’t got money for DSTV, so I gorra wats dis SABC s’it.

I skeem if dey take alla ANC dooses an’ tjuck dem inna ocean, de blerrie ocean wil  gooi dem out again, dey’s so fil’thy! Apartheid was kak, and de Nasinal Party was kak, but dis lot, dis is a spes’al kind of kak.

Heow cen djou have a President wit’ a Stendard T’ree educas’un? De ou can’ even mos read what dey give him. When he signs, he skeems he’s voting; he djus’ put a cross!

An’ det Helen Zille? She skeems she’s muts too blerrie clever. If s’e will leave Zuma alone, an’ not kiss det sthoopid blerrie woman wit’ a blanket on her head, den maybe s’e cen win a blerrie elecsin, but alla time, Zuma dis, Zuma dat, Zuma, Zuma, Zuma! S’e Give him de blerrie votes, caus alla blerrie people feel sorry for him. Why? Cause dey skeem s’e’s picking on him.

An’ Julius Malema wit’ his red overalls: what does he skeem he’s doing? He’s mos wearing a fency watch an’ shoes what cos’ more dan my whole mont’s selery, but he make like his poor wit’ his overalls. He speak de truth’ in Parliament, but he forget, he’s also a crook. He mos got s’ady bizzness everywhere, and he owe de Receiver money, but djou know mos what dey say: even a broken clock is right twice a day.

De people in de Nort’wes’ got kak running in de streets, but dey had dat before de elecsin, en dey still voted forra ANC, so dey musn’ cry neow: neow is too late!

Das all I gorrra say for dis week, cause I’m getting the moer in, an’ my blood presser is s’ooting t’roo the roof, so I mus’ djus’ s’ut up an’go talk to myself some more.

I s’ake my head so muts, I get dizzy, an’ det is not good, so lekker loop until nex’ time.