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Try finding a home for body language expertise in the age of Covid-19. I am not even certain that we will ever shake hands again. Which means that just like that, a major area of my knowledge has just become redundant, writes Howard Feldman.
Lockdown, I fear, is driving us to drink. Only we can't drive. And we certainly can't drink. Not unless we are prepared to do unmentionable, and previously unimaginable things to underage pineapples.
The impact of Covid-19 on our psyche is no joke. More than once I have had to stop myself from shouting profanities at Neil Diamond when in Sweet Caroline he proudly and unashamedly belts out: "Hands, touching hands, Reaching Out. Touching me! Touching you!"
Is Neil completely mad? What’s with all this touching? Who does that? It’s no different with the Netflix series that I am watching.
The hugging needs to stop. The season might have been filmed before March 2020, but surely, they had to consider just how dangerous indiscriminate hand shaking and hugging could be.
Everything, it seems has changed. I know for certain that I will never be able to look a raw bat in the eye again.
I realised that I need to get out more when I found myself looking at the sign language interpreter who was standing behind the President and was envious of the physical workout that she seemed to be getting.
Her hand-waving looked exhausting and was unquestionably more exercise than I have done in the past few weeks.
I also realised that I am not fit to re-enter mainstream society when I found myself copying her movements as if it was a Jane Fonda aerobics video class.
The worst part is that she hardly broke a sweat whilst I could hardly keep up.
It should probably also be noted that simply by knowing who Jane Fonda is, I place myself at greater risk of contracting Covid-19.
Everyone thinks that their particular position is a difficult one. Some people are able to work remotely. Others are not. But everyone has, and will be impacted by the crises that has swept across the world.
But, for a moment, perhaps consider the predicament that I find myself in.
I have written books on body language. I have been a regular guest on news channels like Russia Today as their so-called body language expert.
I have been asked to decode meetings between Russian President Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump and between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.
I have been asked for comment on the relationship between European leaders at the G7 Summit, based on the non-verbal messages, and to use those observations to predict the outcome.
Try finding a home for body language expertise in the age of Covid-19. I am not even certain that we will ever shake hands again. Which means that just like that, a major area of my knowledge has just become redundant.
Instead, I now find myself reduced to noting facial expressions of participants on a Zoom call and wondering if the backdrop is real or virtual.
At random moments, overcome by nostalgia, I find myself thinking wistfully of the time when we would meet face to face, when we would look at each other in the eye before turning uncomfortably away and when we could shake hands without stressing that we might have killed someone.
In those moments I dream of a future when a body language expert is required and when chicken can be bought piping hot.
- Howard Feldman is a keynote speaker and analyst. He is the author of three books and is the morning talk show host on ChaiFM.
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