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Perhaps the government is worried that someone wears open shoes, they will see that they see a pedicure and once they have their toes painted they will want to have their hair done and so on and so on, writes Howard Feldman.
Had anyone told me back in March 2020, that by mid-May I would focus a column on short sleeved T-shirts, I would have asked them what they had been smoking.
If they had answered that they would not be smoking, as cigarette sales would be banned by then I would have answered, "Yeah, right and I bet that NDZ would demonstrate to the nation to roll a zol!"
And yet, here we are.
Latest regulations are as perplexing as President Ramaphosa’s disappearance.
Apparently South Africans are permitted to purchase short sleeved T-shirts so long as they swear under oath that they fully intend to limit the use to keeping them warm.
And whereas I might have fabricated the oath part, the rest is not fictitious.
Further, perhaps because someone in the government is not proud of their feet, no open toe shoes will be sold during this time.
Peep-toe shoes are apparently as bad for you as alcohol and cigarettes, but not as dangerous as exercising after 9am.
Which all South Africans know, is deadly.
During lockdown citizens are authorized to buy boots, slippers, closed-toe heels and closed toe-flat shoes.
Good news is that these can be "casual" or "smart".
Crop tops are out, but anyone with my "abs" has known this since the 1990s.
"Crop bottoms" might be worn if paired with the "boots and leggings" but the regulations make it unclear if that is a rule or a merely a nice to have fashion tip.
When reading this, I genuinely expected to see a note that said, "customers who bought crop bottoms also looked at the following … "
READ: Here is the entire list of clothing and bedding you can now buy again under new Level 4 rules
In addition, and I am not proud to admit this, I don’t even know what a crop bottom is.
"One-piece such as bodysuits" are now legal, but we have to assume that this precludes surfers, because sea swimming is known to spread disease even worse than afternoon runners do.
And they are worst. We all know that.
Good news for some, is that you can now purchase short-sleeved knit tops - "where promoted and displayed as worn under cardigans and knitwear".
It is also wonderful that the modesty police have not issued regulation skirt lengths along with their edits and recommendations, because between the 3-ply masks, 70% alcohol based sanitiser, daily infection graphs accompanied by graphs from countries all around the world, we have basically all become actuaries (and immunologists) during this pandemic.
I prefer to keep my approach to all the numbers simple: We know that most whisky contains 42% alcohol. We are protected at 70%. Ergo, a double shot daily, and Covid-19 stands no chance.
An explanation to the perplexing rules might be that the government have adopted the “If you give a Mouse a Cookie” approach. When our children were young we would read to them.
It documented what happened if you "give a mouse a cookie".
Chances are that when he is done he will want a glass of milk and then he will want a straw, then a napkin and then a mirror and so on and so on.
Ultimately, you don’t even want to go there.
Perhaps the government is worried that someone wears open shoes, they will see that they see a pedicure and once they have their toes painted they will want to have their hair done and so on and so on.
Just like the mouse, I am clutching at straws.
What is clear is that the rules are not.
I have written before that for a lockdown on any level to work, citizens need to have confidence in the rationality of the decisions.
There needs to be transparency and there needs to integrity.
There also needs to be communication.
Unfortunately on all these measures, the government is failing dismally.
And unless they want to see a whole nation rushing out to buy "flip-flops" they best start explaining what on earth they are thinking.
- Howard Feldman is a keynote speaker and analyst. He is the author of three books and is the morning talk show host on ChaiFM.Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.
